Joke thread

Not sure about that Bbb :/

Just been in to have a tooth pulled out, but when I left I discovered that someone must've hit my car and drove off. Now I like my oral surgeon, but I can't stand dentists!

I hate tautologies. But they are what they are.

My girlfriend thinks i'm useless at being a man. She said "Bet you can't put this picture up on the wall.
Needless to say, I nailed it.

I was in a pub when this little guy came up to me and said "Listen, I want to impress my girlfriend. I'll pay you £4.50 if you pretend to be knocked out when I hit you in the face."
I said "I'm not falling for that."
 
Have you heard about the new strain of cannabis called 'Malaysian Airlines'
once you've smoked it you're fuckin gone.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
Not sure about that Bbb :/

Just been in to have a tooth pulled out, but when I left I discovered that someone must've hit my car and drove off. Now I like my oral surgeon, but I can't stand dentists!

I hate tautologies. But they are what they are.

My girlfriend thinks i'm useless at being a man. She said "Bet you can't put this picture up on the wall.
Needless to say, I nailed it.

I was in a pub when this little guy came up to me and said "Listen, I want to impress my girlfriend. I'll pay you £4.50 if you pretend to be knocked out when I hit you in the face."
I said "I'm not falling for that."
Click to expand...


See good! But I did have to read the first one 4 times before the Ping!! But that's just me :/
 
"You swallowed my load with that blowjob when I was driving , you've never done that in the bedroom, " I said to my wife,

"We don't have fucking speed humps in the bedroom, " she replied.
 
I was in my basement when an earthquake hit. It caused a huge crack right between my feet. It was deeply unsettling.

My 5 yr old son said "Dad is there an easy way to tie my shoe laces?"
I said "Yes son but it's frowned upon. I had the same trouble when I was your age, but I managed to find a secret loophole.

In our family we have a strange system. On certain days we only do certain things. Like on one day we only eat bubble gum, another where we watch the T.V show QI continuously, and there's a day where we're not aloud to stand up. It's Tuesday, Friday, and Satday.

I said to my mate "I wonder if someone could work out who has scored the most premier league own goals for us?"
He said "I don't think it can be done."
I said "I think it can, in fact, Richard is who my money's on."

They say that eating fish is good for your memory. Now that's food for thought.

Saw a movie last night about a community support officer. Wasn't much cop.

God they are truly terrible I admit.
 
ste1969 said:
My wife came home from the shops today and I said to her, "Your mother turned up while you were out."

"Well I hope you've made her feel at home." she said.

"Of course I have," I replied, "I stuck her straight in the car and drove her back to her fucking house."
Click to expand...
That got a laugh from me
 
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a shit top and the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my bloody pyjamas and I really can't be arsed cooking tonight!

Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"




"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
Conjunctivitis.com................................ Its a site for sore eyes

Ive just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday.................never again.

Not saying my last girlfriend was rough, but when she started crying cos she lost a tooth biting on a stick of rock I said not to worry- you've still got two left.
 
BlueBearBoots said:
The best joke at Edinburgh fringe was -

"I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."

our very own TangerineSteve can do better than that!!
Click to expand...

no he flamin' well can't.
 
Doesn't stop me trying BlueMist.

It was the day before an 8 mile running race me and my mate entered.
I said to him "Do you fancy doing a dry run?"
He said "Yeah no sweat."

Had a massive row with the wife earlier, and when we finally got ashore we started arguing.

I decided to wind up my arrogant son.
I said "What's the opposite of clever?"
He looked at me petulantly and said "Dad. This is stupid."
I said "Correct well done. What's the opposite of go?"
He shouted "Stop!...for Christ's sake."
I said "Wait, just one more. What's the opposite of right?"
He shouted "Left!"
I said "Wrong you little shit."

Have you ever tried to carry a flat car tyre when you've had to change a spare?
It's unwieldy.
 
A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
''Rubbish'', replies the mental patient, ''just take one nut off each of the other three wheels, jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.''
''Jesus, I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.''
''Well'', the patient replies; ''I might be mad but I'm not stupid.''
 
Health officials in Kerry, Ireland have confirmed that they have discovered the first death in the country of ebola..Peter O Toole from Kilarney was killed earlier today after ebola fruit fell from a shelf on to his head

Coat, hat, taxi....gone
 
jimharri said:
A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
''Rubbish'', replies the mental patient, ''just take one nut off each of the other three wheels, jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.''
''Jesus, I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.''
''Well'', the patient replies; ''I might be mad but I'm not stupid.''
Click to expand...


Finally I can say 'I don't get it' about someone else's joke.
 
Wio Gumflapdinand said:
Health officials in Kerry, Ireland have confirmed that they have discovered the first death in the country of ebola..Peter O Toole from Kilarney was killed earlier today after ebola fruit fell from a shelf on to his head

Coat, hat, taxi....gone
Click to expand...
No Taxi for you, you walk.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
jimharri said:
A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
''Rubbish'', replies the mental patient, ''just take one nut off each of the other three wheels, jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.''
''Jesus, I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.''
''Well'', the patient replies; ''I might be mad but I'm not stupid.''
Click to expand...


Finally I can say 'I don't get it' about someone else's joke.
Click to expand...
Now you know how I've been feeling for the last 300 f****** pages thanks to you.
 
I saw a man with a head that was a giant orange while out eating at a fancy restaurant the other night. He was dining with the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. I could not help but stop by his table and ask how he got that giant orange head.

"I found a magic lamp and upon rubbing it emerged a genie, telling me I had three wishes," he said. "My first wish was for unimaginable riches which is why I only eat out and only at fancy restaurants. My second was for the companionship of the most beautiful women the world has ever seen and here they sit. The third was....and maybe I didn't think this one through....I wished for a giant, orange head."
 
I was at a fruit and veg stall.
I said to the grocer "Can I have some strawberries please?"
He said "Certainly...punnet?"
I said "Ok, If I were to take them without paying would that be classed as strobbery?" I don't know why but he gave me such a strange look!

I was on Mastermind last week. I was the lowest scorer in history. Only managed to get 2 points! :(
I even remember the questions I got right, it was;
"In examinations, when a student has achieved a grade C or above, it is labelled as a..what?" and
"In sport, what term is used when a player receives the ball from a teammate?"

Right, now I'm not being funny or anything, but you better laugh at this joke. <------------ joke
 
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