Joke thread

A Young Lad was applying for a job on the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realised that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed someone from BT to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run and get my uncle" "Does your uncle work for BT?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
 
A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the Pavement. He ran to a phone and called an ambulance.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”
“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.
“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Greenbank road and I’ll call you back.”
 
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"



A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of £200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford £50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
 
blueincy said:
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"



A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of £200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford £50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
Click to expand...

liked the top one.
 
oldie but goodie.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
 
JoeMercer'sWay said:
blueincy said:
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"



A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of £200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford £50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
Click to expand...

liked the top one.
Click to expand...


Seriously ? I nearly pm'd that Tangerine bloke and asked him to come back.
 
Blue Mist said:
JoeMercer'sWay said:
blueincy said:
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"



A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of £200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford £50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
Click to expand...

liked the top one.
Click to expand...


Seriously ? I nearly pm'd that Tangerine bloke and asked him to come back.
Click to expand...


The Floor's yours give us your best.
 
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will be on their backs waving their legs in the air.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls into bed wrecked..

The next morning, hes so tired he cannot even get out of bed to look at the sheep. He nudges his wife and says" look out the window are those sheep on their backs, legs waving in the air?. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck beeping the horn!
 
h1609182F
 
Essex girl goes out on the town, big night out, usual story, drunk and disorderly, gets into a knife fight, gets shanked, blood everywhere, goes to A&E.
Doctor examines here but can't find the wound.
He says, 'I don't know where you're bleeding from.'
She says, 'I'm from bleedin' Billericay, inn'I, now f***** sew me up, you c***.'
 
A wasp was buzzing around me, pestering me, all day. Eventually I screamed "Leave me be!"

I won a competition to the see the monkeys at Chester Zoo. What a great day out for the family, well until the lead singer started wanking and chucking shit at us. Rip Davy.

My mate Phil is a great lad. He really has his head screwed on. I should know, I did it, with a phillips head screwdriver.

I was in a right state last week. But I was Delaware of the situation.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
A wasp was buzzing around me, pestering me, all day. Eventually I screamed "Leave me be!"

I won a competition to the see the monkeys at Chester Zoo. What a great day out for the family, well until the lead singer started wanking and chucking shit at us. Rip Davy.

My mate Phil is a great lad. He really has his head screwed on. I should know, I did it, with a phillips head screwdriver.

I was in a right state last week. But I was Delaware of the situation.
Click to expand...

funny-dog-laughing-poster-you-funny-kid.jpg


Thank God you're back!!
 
"We didn't play very well or create enough chances and we feel it's definitely two points dropped against one of the lesser teams."

Said Sean Dyche.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
A wasp was buzzing around me, pestering me, all day. Eventually I screamed "Leave me be!"

I won a competition to the see the monkeys at Chester Zoo. What a great day out for the family, well until the lead singer started wanking and chucking shit at us. Rip Davy.

My mate Phil is a great lad. He really has his head screwed on. I should know, I did it, with a phillips head screwdriver.

I was in a right state last week. But I was Delaware of the situation.
Click to expand...

yay.
 
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