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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Hamann Pineapple
Well-Known Member
My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
BillyBonds
Well-Known Member
Today I saw a man whose girlfriend is a midget. I thought "There's a paedophile that has found a loophole"
M
M
mat
Guest
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!'
'But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Costa Coffee again!!
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!'
'But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Costa Coffee again!!
I went into hmv and the staff member said good morning I replied you too.ColinBellsjockstrap said:I went in to HMV and asked what they had by The Doors...
He said "a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher"
He replied second aisle on the right
Richie
Well-Known Member
maccadon said:I went into hmv and the staff member said good morning I replied you too.ColinBellsjockstrap said:I went in to HMV and asked what they had by The Doors...
He said "a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher"
He replied second aisle on the right
Need some winter shoes so I popped into Boots. They told me they don't sell shoes.
As it was lunchtime, I popped into Curry's but they told me they don't sell food,
I nearly got a punch on the nose off the woman in the Virgin Megastore!!
sir baconface
Well-Known Member
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky tits and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky tits and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
At the end of the tax year,
the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?''
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor,
somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way,
"What about all these biscuit purchases.
What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,
realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor,
thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on,
'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick"
the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?''
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor,
somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way,
"What about all these biscuit purchases.
What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,
realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor,
thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on,
'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick"
GHOST SEX
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here
believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, John a Middle Eastern language student raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern language student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, John, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
John replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here
believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, John a Middle Eastern language student raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern language student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, John, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
John replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
Ancient Citizen
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 26 Jul 2009
- Messages
- 15,712
*Chortle!*Ding Dong said:My pet mouse , called Elvis , died yesterday.
He was caught in a trap.
.
My mate just got back from Africa , and he can`t stop buying raffle tickets.
I think he`s got Tombola.
city saint
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 17 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 6,693
I put my dogging gear up for sale on ebay last night,ive not had any bids but theres loads watching
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
city saint
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 17 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 6,693
landlord at pub has announced a £100 prize for the best haloween outfit.the wife won it last year ,she wasn't very happy about it to be honest she"d only come to pick me up
theinvisibleman
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 15 Apr 2009
- Messages
- 456
PMSL!@nimal said:At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
meltonblue
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 14 May 2013
- Messages
- 8,667
My boss told me; "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have"
Now, I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting, dressed as Batman...
Now, I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting, dressed as Batman...
Ste1969
Well-Known Member
These tampon adverts lack a little reality.
What they need is a boyfriend being punched after trying to negotiate a blow job.
What they need is a boyfriend being punched after trying to negotiate a blow job.
Your the Father . . .
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
He walks over to her and she greets him warmly.
He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from.
So he says,
'Do you know me?'
To which she replies,
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.
' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
He walks over to her and she greets him warmly.
He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from.
So he says,
'Do you know me?'
To which she replies,
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.
' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains,
"I had Tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means Polio.
He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, "I had Kneesles, too."
Finally,
he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps,
"Oh no - Smallcox, too!"
prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains,
"I had Tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means Polio.
He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, "I had Kneesles, too."
Finally,
he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps,
"Oh no - Smallcox, too!"
I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down. They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called "puff, paedo!, wankers! Fuckmonkey, shit arse, nob jockey, piss flaps, fucker! Twat!"
Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.
Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.