Joke thread

I went for an audition in a new musical about Cuba. The producer said I was good and would I be an understudy to a lead; I turned it down as I didn't want to play second Fidel.
 
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."



Here all week, I am!
 
jimharri said:
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."



Here all week, I am!
Click to expand...

I likey ;-)
 
Bloke in a Pub downing Whiskey like it’s going out of fashion

Barman: "You Ok, mate?"

Bloke: "I'm fine, just got a bit of a shock when I came home early from work"

Barman: "Oh really, what happened?"

Bloke: "I caught my best friend shagging my wife"

Barman: "So what happened next?"

Bloke: "I told her to pack her bags and fuck off"

Barman: "What about your best friend?

Bloke: "I looked him straight in the eye and said....










BAD DOG, NO BISCUITS".
 
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he geos to get a tux, but when he gets there, there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever, but he gets the flower.

Next he heads to get a limo, unfortunately there is a long limo line at the rental office and it takes ages, but he gets the job done.

Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and having a good time. When the song is over she asks him to get her some punch.
He heads over th the punch table.... and there is no punchline.
 
chrishull said:
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he geos to get a tux, but when he gets there, there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever, but he gets the flower.

Next he heads to get a limo, unfortunately there is a long limo line at the rental office and it takes ages, but he gets the job done.

Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and having a good time. When the song is over she asks him to get her some punch.
He heads over th the punch table.... and there is no punchline.
Click to expand...
Nope. Not a sausage.
 
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