Joke thread

Splashed out on some frilly pink lace undies the other day. The girl behind the counter was none too impressed though, and said I'd have to pay the bill for getting them cleaned.
 
My grandad went to the doctors as he couldn't hear clearly
The doctor asked what are the symptoms
He said he thought it was a cartoon on channel 4
 
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A man is condemned to hell after living a bad life on Earth, when he enters Hell, he is greeted by the devil.
The devil tells him that he must pick one of the three rooms to live out the rest of eternity, to which the man agrees.
The devil shows him the first room of a man tied up, being whipped. The man decides to have a look at the other 2 rooms.
In the second room there is a man also tied up, but this time being burnt by a flaming torch. The man decides to have a look at the final room.
In it is a beautiful blonde woman giving a blwjob to a really fat man tied up.
The man says "I want to spend eternity in room number 3", thinking that it is the best out of the 3
To which the devil replies "As you wish"
He then taps the woman on the shoulder and says "You can go now"
 
Did you hear the one about the sado-masochist who used to like waking himself up at 2 in the morning to give himself a freezing cold shower?
...so he didn't.
 
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