Joke thread

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to go home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."
"What's the cure thyn doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie buggers wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
 
My wife phoned me and said, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say."
So I said nervously, "Go on..." She said....."Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead."
 
The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only ever a whim away.



Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week, and I'm taking bookings for weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, etc etc. Discounts for repeat bookings.
 
With the recent case of the FBI getting a court order to make Apple weaken the encryption of a terrorists iPhone & Apple refusing to back down, the feds have drafted in Rebekka Brooks & Andy Coulson to gain their expertise into hacking just about any mobile phone out there.
 
jimharri said:
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to go home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."
"What's the cure thyn doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie buggers wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Click to expand...
Fukien criminally shite jim
 
Zuriblue said:
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record store

...and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."

The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
Click to expand...

****
 
I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story...

I think something scary is gonna happen.... I can feel it.
 
So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"
 
Bloke says " I've just managed to give up drinking, smoking and womanising so I'm off out to celebrate."
His mate says " What're you gonna do?"
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were of course lovers when they shared rooms at 221b Baker Street. On one occasion Holmes had Watson ready to receive his attentions. He said "Before we start, Watson, I'm going to cut this lemon in half and smear the juice over your bottom."

Watson cried "That's astonishing, Holmes!"

Holmes replied "Lemon entry, my dear Watson"..............
 
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this attractive girl in his office., but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you....

The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'

Eddie said, Til be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for £200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, ‘What took you so long...?’

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all pennies !!'
 
2016%2B-%2B1
 
Zuriblue said:
So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"
Click to expand...
Is that you Chubby?
 
Mick hucknalls been arrested after being caught shagging a rabbit





A police source said he was holding back the ears and singing bunnys to tight to mention.
 
Does anyone know the difference between anti perspirant and deodorant ? I spent 2 hours last night on the Internet looking for the answer but I couldn't find any links
 
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