Joke thread

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
 
Apparently Chris Eubank is bringing out a book all about ethics. If it proves to be successful, he's going to bring out another one, this time all about Kent.



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A couple of years ago a mate of mine emigrated to Canada where he went to work for himself as a lumberjack . However because of all the on site accidents in the industry, the health and safety department has insisted that workers can't work on their own.They have to work in trees
 
solley attwell said:
A couple of years ago a mate of mine emigrated to Canada where he went to work for himself as a lumberjack . However because of all the on site accidents in the industry, the health and safety department has insisted that workers can't work on their own.They have to work in trees
Click to expand...

Think your mate was one of them thick Paddy's I hear so much about?
 
Girl; "God I am so f*cking wet, give it to me, give it to me NOW.
















Bloke ; " No way are you getting my umbrella"
 
Always Behind............

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!!..
 
Jesus is on duty at the pearly gates, and sees an old Jewish man shuffling up. Thinking that the guy looks familiar, he steps over and asks the man some questions.

"Name?"

"Joseph"

"And what was your job when you were alive?"

"I was a carpenter"

"And did you have children?"

"Yes, a son...well, not technically the fruit of my loins but I loved him just the same."

"And when you last saw him, did he have any distinguishing marks?"

"Yes, holes through his hands and feet!"

"FATHER!!!"

"PINNOCHIO!!!
 
went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."
 
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