Life without kids??

Swings and roundabouts

I have two kids aged 19 and 20. Both city mad and we go the games together. Having that connection has made us closer. I had the same with my dad.

I know people without kids who would not have it any other way.

I know people mainly at work with no kids who by the sound of it live boring lives

I also know others with kids who find it hard work
 
mayo31 said:
Swings and roundabouts

I have two kids aged 19 and 20. Both city mad and we go the games together. Having that connection has made us closer. I had the same with my dad.

I know people without kids who would not have it any other way.

I know people mainly at work with no kids who by the sound of it live boring lives

I also know others with kids who find it hard work
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Been a good thread this and this post sums it up well. Pluses and minus to having kids and no right or wrong answer it would seem. Each to their own.
 
RACHACE said:
A bit of a spin off from the too old thread but has anybody on here decided against having children?

Do you feel fulfilled?
Was it a joint decision with your partner?
Do you regret it?

I'm in a situation where in general I've always said that I don't want to have children. On the odd occasion my missus and I have "romanticised" about the prospect but in the end always decided that they are not for us.

Been with my missus over 10 years and in that time the subject has come up id say no mote than 3-4 times and never seriously either until now.

My wife wants us to try but I'm still seeing my future without children and looking forward to it too. However, I love her to bits and want get to be happy and it's very hard to basically tell her that she won't be a mother married to me.

Bit of a dilemma but I believe that if you both don't want children then you shouldn't have them.

In her defence she's never once demanded we try but I know she's feeling sad at the moment because I'm not willing to try.

So are kids really all that?
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I know how much having children means to my girlfriend so I know we'll end up having them. I do think there is a good case to not have kids as well though and if you aren't madly convinced it's worth considering.

One of the main things that would put me off having children is how horrible the world is. I don't know if I'd want to bring someone I'd love so much into a world that's obsessed with terrorism, poverty, rape and sexual abuse. I'd spend most of my waking hours worrying about him/her. There are plenty of children who, through no fault of their own, have been put up for adoption and could do with a new, loving family - if you ever change your mind there are other options as opposed to having genetically related children, so I don't necessarily buy into this idea of waking up one day when it's too late.

On the other hand, I've met good parents and people who're probably not fit to have kids. The one thing they all have in common is how much they love their children. It something that I'd regret never 'knowing', I think. My mum's neighbors are a good example for you. They're both single children themselves, they decided against having kids and any family they did have are either dead or living abroad now. They're both retired and have a lovely house, nice holidays, lot's of money - but they still get upset at Christmas when they have no family to spend the time with. They have no-one who's going to support them through illness/death. There won't be many people at their funeral. It's quite an upsetting reality for them. Unfortunately for her she did actually want to have children, but she couldn't as this was way before IVF etc.
 
One of the best threads on here in a while this. Mrs TFC and I have been together for 14 years now and until a couple of years ago not a sniff of wanting a sprog. I will be honest and admit that personally I would have regretted if we hadnt tried at some point, but there was no way I was going to pressure her into it cos even though shes a pain in my arse I'm in it for the long haul. I dont feel like it would have damaged the relationship if she hadnt wanted to try, not on my end anyway. Couple of years ago the conversation came up again (instigated by the wife) and we ended up having our little man around Christmas last year when I was 39 and she was 35.

I can definitely say kids are not for everyone, but I feel like I had a good balance of living my life (travelling, watching City etc) when I was in my 20's and 30's and now I'll concentrate on being the best Dad I can be for the next how many years before I can kick him out the house ;)
 
Some really good replies and good perspectives from both sides of the arguement.

I'm gonna let the dust settle on it and see how this affects the missus over the coming months.

My boss has sent me a spreadsheet with what my wages would be based on doing a 4 on 4 off shift as this would be the preferred shift pattern if we go down the kid route and I'd lose a significant amount of my wage that I'm used too but I am doing a hell of a lot of hours with time away from home currently where the new shift pattern would have me home a lot more.

It does seem that plenty of blokes in particular could have gone either way but then looking back they're very glad that their children came along. It's just two totally different lives altogether.

I do worry about how my wife will be when she's 50/60 and her mum is no longer with us. Me & her for the most part rattling about in our house. It'd be nice and quiet and I'd enjoy it but would she truly be happy? I'm not so sure she would and that would really make me feel bad. I love the thought of holidays, freedom, money in the bank etc etc but I don't like the thought of her potentially being sad or even lonely when she's older.

It's very hard to be so hard faced about a decision like this with someone you love when you know there's the potential for her to be miserable when she gets older. A few months ago she never gave the impression that she'd want kids, in fact she rarely wanted to spend time in anybody's company that had them. But boom out of the blue there's talk of family home, more modest living and not feeling lonely (should I pass) etc.

I'm defo gonna enjoy next season that's for sure as it could be my last!!
 
Sounds like you really love her, hope you work it out and have a wonderful life together,whatever the future holds. Keep us posted in the future. We'll all be wondering whatever happened to...is there a baby blue? One big happy family :)
 
BlueMojito said:
Sounds like you really love her, hope you work it out and have a wonderful life together,whatever the future holds. Keep us posted in the future. We'll all be wondering whatever happened to...is there a baby blue? One big happy family :)
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Cheers blue. And thanks for all replies. Really enjoyed reading the differing perspectives.
 
RACHACE said:
Some really good replies and good perspectives from both sides of the arguement.

I'm gonna let the dust settle on it and see how this affects the missus over the coming months.

My boss has sent me a spreadsheet with what my wages would be based on doing a 4 on 4 off shift as this would be the preferred shift pattern if we go down the kid route and I'd lose a significant amount of my wage that I'm used too but I am doing a hell of a lot of hours with time away from home currently where the new shift pattern would have me home a lot more.

It does seem that plenty of blokes in particular could have gone either way but then looking back they're very glad that their children came along. It's just two totally different lives altogether.

I do worry about how my wife will be when she's 50/60 and her mum is no longer with us. Me & her for the most part rattling about in our house. It'd be nice and quiet and I'd enjoy it but would she truly be happy? I'm not so sure she would and that would really make me feel bad. I love the thought of holidays, freedom, money in the bank etc etc but I don't like the thought of her potentially being sad or even lonely when she's older.

It's very hard to be so hard faced about a decision like this with someone you love when you know there's the potential for her to be miserable when she gets older. A few months ago she never gave the impression that she'd want kids, in fact she rarely wanted to spend time in anybody's company that had them. But boom out of the blue there's talk of family home, more modest living and not feeling lonely (should I pass) etc.

I'm defo gonna enjoy next season that's for sure as it could be my last!!
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Your thinking too much. As I said get shagging and what will be will be. Don't worry about shift patterns and wages! Life goes on.
 
Don't worry too much about money. We found that takes care of itself.

When we had our first child nursery fees were £350 a month and before she was born we never thought we had that money spare but you find it or you make decisions that work for you. If you spend too many years worrying about money you wake up one day with a wedge but nowt else.

I did work out once the nursery fees we paid for our two kids and it came to £36k. My first mortgage was £34k. Some of our best days and nights were when we had not much money to spend. Enjoyed the treats a lot more.
 
mayo31 said:
Don't worry too much about money. We found that takes care of itself.

When we had our first child nursery fees were £350 a month and before she was born we never thought we had that money spare but you find it or you make decisions that work for you. If you spend too many years worrying about money you wake up one day with a wedge but nowt else.

I did work out once the nursery fees we paid for our two kids and it came to £36k. My first mortgage was £34k. Some of our best days and nights were when we had not much money to spend. Enjoyed the treats a lot more.
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£350 for nursery?! f'in 'ell...
 
Have been called selfish, for never wanting and choosing not to have kids, more than I care to count. Used to annoy me and I'd find myself explaining my reasons, don't bother anymore.

Over the years I never waivered, never regretted not having any and never felt like I missed out. Some people are just not wired to be parents.
 
The thing is when most people think about having kids they think about sleepless nights and dirty nappies, but that's only in the very early years. For me the biggest problem is after that, when they get to about 5 or 6 and they can answer back, they're constantly mithering to be taken places, they need to be entertained non stop, you spend your days off at the park or the zoo or the cinema surrounded by loads of other screaming kids instead of doing whatever you want with your free time, that's when your independence really goes! And don't even get me started on holidays! This is precisely why I don't want kids, nothing to do with being selfish. Me and my missus are really happy as we are, just the two of us, we can do what we want when we want, go on days out, holidays etc whenever we fancy, so why change all that? It could be the best thing ever if we had kids, but once you do there's no going back, so I'd rather stay as we are when I know we're happy, it may change one day, but this is how we both feel right now.
 
This came up rather recently didn't it?
I've skimmed through this thread and there's quote a few, understandably I suppose, getting a bit irate due to others telling them they're missing out by not having kids.
There are certainly more couples going without kids, due to choice, inability to have any from trying to late and cost being the other big factor.
However, regardless of what some say, a huge amount of women tend to become more maternal as the clock ticks so don't be surprised if it happens to you.
My wife and I are both 37 and I could list of endless amounts of couples that are using IVF or married for the convenience of having a family (which is usually the wife's decision).
As for me, I never wanted kids and was glad I had my 20's to booze it up, travel a bit and be as carefree as my cash allowed. My wife got her own way into our 30's but I've loved being a father, regardless of how fucking hard it is sometimes!
I'm now working in a different city to my two kids, 4 & 2, and it's very hard coping without them.
I couldn't love them anymore, it's a deeper emotion than you feel for anything else in your life. I don't care if that statement offends anyone, the bond with your children, if your any type of man, is your deepest and most important.
 
jay_mcfc said:
It all comes down to selfishness for me. If you're not prepared to give up your three holidays a year or your 8 hours sleep a night then don't have kids. I've got two boys, first one is 2 and a half and the second is one month. I'm knackered, stressed, skint and haven't seen my mates or played cricket in what seems like ages. But I wouldn't swap it for the world. If you're the kind of person that would resent your wife or child because you can't do the things you did when you were 20 then don't have kids.

To the OP I'm sorry to say but if your wife is starting to want kids now, as women often do when they hit their thirties, it's going to end one of two ways - with kids or divorce. The 'I'd rather be with you without kids than somebody else with kids' talk won't last. The resentment will build and build and small things will become big things until eventually she'll see a different life to the one she has with you. I'm sorry to be so blunt but it's true.

I don't think anyone will regret having kids but I'm sure as they get older many that don't have kids will wish they did.
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Typical breeder condescension. Firstly, how are you able to talk for literally everyone in the world whether they have had kids or not. I am sure that there are plenty of people who regret having children, I imagine very few say it as its not really socially acceptable to say it.
 
Southbanken said:
Typical breeder condescension. Firstly, how are you able to talk for literally everyone in the world whether they have had kids or not. I am sure that there are plenty of people who regret having children, I imagine very few say it as its not really socially acceptable to say it.
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What part of the 'I don't think' don't you understand? You're quite opinionated for someone who doesn't like opinions.
 
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