Whats your best Joke!?!?

A friend of mine just asked me, "What's your Pet hate?"

I replied, "Well, he's not too keen when i shove a cucumber up his arse
and tickle his bollocks with a cheese grater i can tell you.".<br /><br />-- Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:26 pm --<br /><br />I ran into my wife for the first time today since I threw her out of a plane 2 years ago. It was a little awkward, I asked
"Hi, long time no see, how have you been?"
She replied "How have I been? How have I fucking been?
Well I'm dating a professional footballer, I live in a mansion and drive a Mercedes."
I said "That's nice, it's good to see you've landed on your feet."
 
-dabz- said:
Earlier on, some guy knocked my door with a beard.

We didn't hear him.
Click to expand...

Genius!!

Had to read it twice........ but I now have tears of laughter on my face!!!
 
Sometimes you just can't win. Being a gentleman I thought I'd hold the door open for a young lady.
Two minutes later she said. 'Will you fuck off I'm trying to have a shit.'
 
An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this,
there really is no need for pictures....

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every
change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand , Australia , Wales , and certain parts of Derbyshire........and Trafford of course.
 
Bruce an Australian millionaire is having a barby round his pool. All his mates are there including paddy the local shop keeper.
Bruce shows them the 15ft Croc he keeps in his pool and says he'll give a million dollars to anyone who can beat it in a fight.
Next thing paddy's in the pool wrestling, biting, gouging the croc and he kills it.
"Wow" says Bruce, "I owe you a million," "I dont want it ," says paddy, " A car then," "dont want it," "a Rolex ?" "no" he replies.
"Well , what do you want ?" Bruce asks.

"I want the twat that pushed me in."
 
bloke in a glasgow bakery looking at the display asks the guy behind the counter,"is that a macaroon or a meringue?",guy says "no your right,it is a macaroon!"
 
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