Whats your best Joke!?!?

[K.Reeves right foot]

A guy walks into a bar and looking depressed the barman asks if everything is alright. The man tells the barman that his wife is having an affair with another man and wishes he had the guts to kill her for cheating.

The barman asks, are you being serious, cos if you are i know someone. See that man in the corner, his name is Arty and he's a hitman at a very affordable price. I suggest you go over and see him.

So the man heads over and introduces himself to Arty, he tells Arty all about how he has caught his wife shagging around and how its killed him inside. Arty turns to the man and says, tell you what, cos this woman has caused you so much heartache i'll bump her off for a pound. The man agrees with Arty and tells him more about his wife.

On Wednesday she always does the food shopping around 5 o'clock, she has bolnde hair, big breast's, and will be wearing tight jeans, a white top and a black jacket.

Wednesday comes and Arty is waiting patiently in his car for the man's wife, when all of a sudden he spots a female coming out of the exit to the supermarket. He runs over to her, grabs her from behind and starts to strangle her to death. Onlookers stand in shock and call the police. All of a sudden the woman's lifeless body slumps to the floor.

Arty makes his way back to his car and out of the corner of his eye he spots another woman matching exactly the same description. Not one to let his customers down, Arty runs over, grabs this woman from behind and starts to strangle her to death. All of a sudden the woman's lifeless body slumps to the floor.

Arty's need to kill both women see's him captured by the police and he is arrested and taken away, the next day the morning papers read;

ARTY CHOKES 2 FOR A POUND AT TESCO

FFS!!!

 

[u2fme2]

knock,knock

 

[Ticket For Schalke]

Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?One is a marsupial the other is a geordie stuck in a lift!!

 

[u2fme2]

A guy walks into a bar and looking depressed the barman asks if everything is alright. The man tells the barman that his wife is having an affair with another man and wishes he had the guts to kill her for cheating.

The barman asks, are you being serious, cos if you are i know someone. See that man in the corner, his name is Arty and he's a hitman at a very affordable price. I suggest you go over and see him.

So the man heads over and introduces himself to Arty, he tells Arty all about how he has caught his wife shagging around and how its killed him inside. Arty turns to the man and says, tell you what, cos this woman has caused you so much heartache i'll bump her off for a pound. The man agrees with Arty and tells him more about his wife.







come spent 4 mins reading that shite to the wife,

you don't have his number do you

On Wednesday she always does the food shopping around 5 o'clock, she has bolnde hair, big breast's, and will be wearing tight jeans, a white top and a black jacket.

Wednesday comes and Arty is waiting patiently in his car for the man's wife, when all of a sudden he spots a female coming out of the exit to the supermarket. He runs over to her, grabs her from behind and starts to strangle her to death. Onlookers stand in shock and call the police. All of a sudden the woman's lifeless body slumps to the floor.

Arty makes his way back to his car and out of the corner of his eye he spots another woman matching exactly the same description. Not one to let his customers down, Arty runs over, grabs this woman from behind and starts to strangle her to death. All of a sudden the woman's lifeless body slumps to the floor.

Arty's need to kill both women see's him captured by the police and he is arrested and taken away, the next day the morning papers read;

ARTY CHOKES 2 FOR A POUND AT TESCO

FFS!!!

 

[Cheadle Blue]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"



Bloke wakes up in hospital to find a doctor stood over him who says "Mr Williams, i have some terrible news for you. There is another Mr Williams in this ward, who is in for a sex change, but we have done it to you by mistake"

Bloke replies " does this mean i will never see another erection"

Doc says "you'll see fucking plenty, but they won't be yours!!!"

 

[CTID1988]

I'm one of them. Even though (thankfully) I have never lost a child, I've worked long enough in a maternity unit to see it happen too many times. It's not nice and certainly nothing to laugh and joke about. I'm all for sick jokes, but this goes far beyond that.

im genuinely sorry... i'll tell another (this isnt a dig at you i think its just a great joke)

dont apologise, tell them to piss off, seriously. just because people may be offended it doesnt mean its not funny, thats the joy of comedy. i found it funny, it does not make me a bad person

 

[johnmc]

Helium goes into a bar. The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gasses." Helium doesn't react.

i like this joke!

I used to work in a Helium Factory. I had to leave. I'm not being spoken to like that!

 

[BELLENDER]

I ordered a Chinese last night, the chink turned up at my door and said - £20 prease.

I smiled at him and said - can you tell me the name of Jordan's blind son?

He replied- Harfy Price
...
I said - Cheers, there's a tenner now fuck off!

-- Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:07 pm --

A little boy goes up to his dad and says "Dad, where does poo come from?"

Dad explains that food enters the mouth and passes down the oesophagus to the stomach.

There, digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein
...
before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as "poo".

"Fuck me!", says the little boy "Where does Tigger come from then?"<br /><br />-- Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:09 pm --<br /><br />I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.

 

[Esteban de la Sexface]

paddy and mick are on lunch break on the site.. anyway they open their sandwiches and flasks when Paddy exclaims " Fucking not again, cheese fucking sandwiches again, that's every day for a month, if I get cheese sandwiches again tomorrow I'm topping myself"

Next day anyway the boys open up the sandwiches again and Paddy says "fuck it and lobs himself off the side of the building"

Horrified Mick looks into the sandwiches and sure enough they are cheese..

Anyway, at the funeral Mick was trying to console Paddy's wife, she turned to Paddy and says " I don't understand, he always made his own sandwiches"<br /><br />-- Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:23 pm --<br /><br />paddy and mick are on lunch break on the site.. anyway they open their sandwiches and flasks when Paddy exclaims " Fucking not again, cheese fucking sandwiches again, that's every day for a month, if I get cheese sandwiches again tomorrow I'm topping myself"

Next day anyway the boys open up the sandwiches again and Paddy says "fuck it and lobs himself off the side of the building"

Horrified Mick looks into the sandwiches and sure enough they are cheese..

Anyway, at the funeral Mick was trying to console Paddy's wife, she turned to Paddy and says " I don't understand, he always made his own sandwiches"

 

[Evil Roy Slade]

mummy mummy why does is say L on this shoe and R on this shoe.

well cherub that's to show that the L shoe goes on your left foot and the R shoe goes on your right foot.

mummy is that why I have C&A in my nik naks.