Whats your best Joke!?!?

3 soldiers in an army hospital. The queen is doing a visit to see them. She goes up to the first soldier....

"What seems to be your problem?"
" I have herpes maam"
"Oh dear, how are they treating you?"
"wire brush and dettol maam"
"Ooh that must hurt, what do you wish for?"
" I wish that I get rid of this terrible sickness and get back to serving you and the country maam"

The queen then visits the second soldier.....

"What seems to be your problem?"
"I have hemmarhoids maam"
"Oh dear, that sounds painfull. How are they treating you?"
"Wire brush and dettol maam"
"Oh dear, your arse must be in tatters. What do you wish for?"
"I wish to get rid of this terrible affliction and get back to serving you and the country maam"

The queen then visits the third soldier....

"What seems to be your problem"
"Larangytis maam"
"Oh dear, I have had that. How are they treating you?"
"Wire brush and dettol maam"
"Oh dear your throat must be ripped apart. What is your wish?"

The soldier replies

"To get the wire brush and dettol before those filthy bastards over there!"
 
What do you call a box full of Vaginas?

Clitoris Allsorts



What's the difference between a 69er and a mugger?

A 69er you see the twat coming.
 
Lancashire Blue said:
Judge to Mickey Mouse: I'm sorry Mr Mouse, but I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie has buck teeth.

Mickey: I didn't say she had buck teeth your honour, I said she was fucking Goofy....
Click to expand...

Haha like that one!
 
3 generations of prostitutes sat round a table.

Daughter says, "I've just earned £25 for a blowjob"

Mother says, "In my day, we only got a tenner"

Grandmother says, "In my day we were just grateful of a warm drink"

-- Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:33 pm --

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Jewish man, Jamaican, Chinese man, a lesbian, a one-legged man and a blind man walk into a pub.

They had a crackin' night
 
Three Soldiers in a room for their final medical after being demobbed due to injury. The Sergent Major says "Men you have served your country well; as a reward her majesty the queen will give you a thousand pound per centimetere based on a nominated body part.

The first soldier asked to be measured from his feet to his knees.

"Sixty cm's. That's sixty grand for you corporal" announces the Sergent Major

The second one asked for his chest to measured.

"Forty Three thousand for you. Now how about you corporal, which part of your body would you like measured?"

"The tip of my penis to my testicles sir"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Sir!"

The corporal pulls down his trousers to be measured.

"Corporal..."

"Yes sir?"

"Where are your balls...?"

"Afghanistan Sir."
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;

"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.

The landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused.

"What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"
 
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