Joke thread

I was in town and this scruffy looking guy starting busking with his guitar.
He sang "When I was young, It seemed that life was so wonderful,A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical."
I said "Supertramp."
He said "Oh thank you very much."

- - - - - - =

Bloody foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is .

- - - - - - -

I told my sister that my wife was leaving me because she was fed up with my obsession with violent computer games.
She said "oh, what did you two want to go and Fallout 4"
 
jimharri said:
The pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool. Little Johnny walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?"

The pope says "Yes" & puts his hands on Johnny's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now"

Johnny says "I don't know, its not 'til next wednesday"
Click to expand...
Excellent mate..
 
While we're on a Liverpudlian theme.....

It's my Scouse nephew's birthday today, so I've put a tenner in his nan's purse.
 
I went to a sperm bank, yesterday.
The nurse said "Would you like to masturbate in the cup"
I replied "I'm good, but I don't think I'm at competition level"
 
Today, I walked into a restaurant.



“Hi, is my table ready?”



“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”



“No, that’s okay.”



“Great, take these plates to table six then.”
 
A doctor in his office is about to sign some paperwork. He reaches down into his pocket to find a pen but to his confusion a rectal thermometer comes out.

“Ah fuck!” he yells.

“Some arsehole stole my pen!”
 
My dog swallowed the TV remote control. So now I have to pat his stomach to get BBC, rub his neck to get ITV, stroke his back to get Channel 4... and I’ve decided to give up watching Channel 5.
 
A horse is in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner so he goes over for a chat.

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he's done everything.” So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.

The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh, that’s me when I played for Juventus..”
 
taleofbluehalves said:
A horse is in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner so he goes over for a chat.

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he's done everything.” So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.

The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh, that’s me when I played for Juventus..”
Click to expand...

You've just read page 101 haven't you? ;)
 
32740866_1853638241346965_2041056510183735296_n.jpg
 
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