Joke thread

[KS55]

I was brought up adopted by a man called Daz, so I grew up referring to him as my non biological father.



Daily mirror today

Oh Mo, That's terrible

 

[jimharri]

I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my penis was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia that areshaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said; “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it. Having said that, I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her vagina was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said; “Ah; that’ll be our Monica”

 

[mat]

I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my penis was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia that areshaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said; “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it. Having said that, I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her vagina was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said; “Ah; that’ll be our Monica”

 

[Blue_eyes]

A man goes to see his doctor, whats the problem asks the doctor, er well my dick is shaped like a rocket and I am very conscious of it, am embarrassed to change at the baths etc or wear speedos at the beach. Are you married asks the doctor, yes replies the man. and what does your wife think of it, oh shes over the moon.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.

 

[Uwe Already]

I went to the doctors as I’d been feeling unwell for weeks, he wasn’t sure what was going on, so he asked for a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.

I was in a bit of a rush so I just left my pants at reception...

I thank you!

 

[BlueMojito]

A doctor at Manchester Royal Infirmary is lecturing a group of student nurses on the subject of involuntary muscle spasm. For example, he says to one young nurse, do you know what your arse hole is doing whilst you are having an orgasm? Yes she replies, he's at Old Trafford watching United!

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Old bloke goes out shopping on his and buys a nice shiny pair of shoes, comes home and decides to surprise the Mrs by standing stark naked with nothing but his shoes on.
" Notice anything love...."
"What..."
" New shoes, cant you tell my knob's pointing at them......."
" Shame you didn't buy a hat"

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

A horse is having a quiet drink in a seaside pub when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.
After they’ve introduced themselves, the donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter. What about you?”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Have you ever won anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

“Wow!” thinks the donkey.

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.”
So he goes out and buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh that? That’s me when I played for Juventus.”

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]