Joke thread

[Beswick Prize Bands Big Drum]

Didn't she used to have a job kick starting jumbo jets at Heathrow?

No but she had a face like a bag of spanners.

 

[dickie davies]

My wife was smoking a cigarette whilst lay on a lilo floating in the sea, when Red Adair and his men turned up and tried to put her out

 

[jimharri]

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't...


...you get down off a duck.

 

[jitsubluedan]

Difference between Victoria Beckham and a counterfeit dollar bill?

One's a phoney buck......all right then, substitute Meghan for Victoria and it works just as well. Or Duchess of Cambridge. Or Audrey Roberts. Or........

It used to be Twiggy back in the day

 

[Indaparkside]

It used to be Twiggy back in the day

It used to be Twiggy back in the day

You old fucka

 

[jitsubluedan]

You old fucka

Guilty as charged!

 

[jitsubluedan]

One from a rag mag in the seventies...

He was the unluckiest man in the world - on his death bed he confessed to seven murders... and then made a miraculous recovery.

He found a magic mirror and said “mirror, mirror on the wall, make my dick touch the floor” so.... his legs fell off.

 

[DrBlueBob]

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't...


...you get down off a duck.

Dis duck or dat duck?

Eider.

 

[sir baconface]

Dis duck or dat duck?

Eider.

Mallard

 

[East Level 2]

Mallard

Mallard? That was a ducking steam engine.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

"You're so childish", screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over"

 

[Indaparkside]

"You're so childish", screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over"

When his mate had a go??? She said that’s a big 10-4 :)

 

[Blue_eyes]

In my darkest days I was addicted to brake fluid,friends tried to help me, but I could stop on my own.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Just heard my mate has lost both hands in an industrial accident.

I can’t imagine how he feels.

 

[JULES]

just heard a mate had his cock cut off in an industrial accident
he went home and gave his wife a dam good bollocking

 

[dronefromsector7G]

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

This young man takes his new busty girlfriend on their first date in his car...

He's really gagging for it, so he drives down a dark lovers lane and pulls up in a secluded spot and says:-

M "Ok, come on get in the back"

G "No"

M "Come on, get in the back"

G "No"

M (Getting very frustrated to boiling point)…."Come on get in the back"

G "No, I don't want to"

M "Aw, why not?"

G "Cos I want to stop in the front with you"

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My phone bill this month came to £500.

That’s the last time I call ‘Stuttering Sluts’.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Chinese bloke, walking down the street, notices the lead singer of The Human League

"Ahhh, you Phil Oakey?"

"Yeah, bit of a cold, but can't complain"

 

[Blue_eyes]

Heard that oysters were an aphrodisiac and thought I would try them out, so had a dozen while out for a meal with the wife. Bloody waste of time though.....only six of em worked!!!!