Joke thread

A man goes into a pub one evening, sits on a bar stool and orders a drink.

As he is sipping his beer, he looks around and spots an attractive lady sitting at the opposite end of the bar, taking dainty sips of a cocktail.

Suddenly - she sneezes, and in the process her glass eye pops out of her head and rolls slowly down the top of the bar surface in the direction of the man.

He instinctively puts his hand out and grabs it. He is so proud, and in an act of chivalry, he walks up to the other end of the bar and returns the glass eye to the lady.
She is well impressed .

They proceed to spend the rest of the evening chatting, laughing, and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, when the bar closes, the lady says “Why don’t you come back for a nightcap?” and they both taxi to her apartment.
Then follows a night of fabulous passion !

In the morning, the man has to leave for an appointment, but before he goes, he snuggles up to the lady and says “Do you do this with every man you meet in the bar?”

She replied “No... only with those who catch my eye”
 
So I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang me, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a little while later and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director now.' And I ended up crashing into a tree. When the bizzies arrived (a nod to our friends on Merseyside there), policeman came up and said 'What happened here then?' And I said 'I careered off the road'.
 
Jesus and God are playing golf.
Jesus tees up, hits a beautiful shot straight as a die down the fairway, it lands on the green and rolls to within three feet of the hole.
God stares for a long time. He is tense. He completely muffs the shot, pulling it way over into the rough.
Pause.
Suddenly, a rabbit pops out of its burrow, runs over to the ball, picks it up in its mouth and starts to run. An eagle that has been circling overhead swoops down onto it, sinks its talons into its back and soars off again. Just as the eagle arrives over the green, it releases the rabbit. As it plummets to the ground, the rabbit opens its jaws and releases the ball. Hole in one.
Pause. Finally, Jesus turns and says “Oh for fuck's sake, Dad, it's only a game…”
 
jimharri said:
So I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang me, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a little while later and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director now.' And I ended up crashing into a tree. When the bizzies arrived (a nod to our friends on Merseyside there), policeman came up and said 'What happened here then?' And I said 'I careered off the road'.
Click to expand...
jszm9c.gif
 
Lovebitesandeveryfing said:
Jesus and God are playing golf.
Jesus tees up, hits a beautiful shot straight as a die down the fairway, it lands on the green and rolls to within three feet of the hole.
God stares for a long time. He is tense. He completely muffs the shot, pulling it way over into the rough.
Pause.
Suddenly, a rabbit pops out of its burrow, runs over to the ball, picks it up in its mouth and starts to run. An eagle that has been circling overhead swoops down onto it, sinks its talons into its back and soars off again. Just as the eagle arrives over the green, it releases the rabbit. As it plummets to the ground, the rabbit opens its jaws and releases the ball. Hole in one.
Pause. Finally, Jesus turns and says “Oh for fuck's sake, Dad, it's only a game…”
Click to expand...
[Pedant]If the ball was at rest God would have to replace it where the rabbit picked it up[/Pedant]
 
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “I’m leaving, it’s not working anymore”

But I opened the fridge and it was working fine, the lying bitch.
 
jimharri said:
So I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang me, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a little while later and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director now.' And I ended up crashing into a tree. When the bizzies arrived (a nod to our friends on Merseyside there), policeman came up and said 'What happened here then?' And I said 'I careered off the road'.
Click to expand...
Courtesy of the late great Tommy Cooper that one;)
Here's another:-

I told the doctor ''I think I've broken my leg in three places.''
He said, ''Well, you shouldn't have gone to those places.''
 
Egg and bacon in the frying pan:

Egg says “it’s hot in here”

Bacon says “fuck me, a talking egg”
 
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