Joke thread

[hammocity]

Bloke talking to his mate

“My wife has left me, she’s cleared out the house, she’s even taken the Christmas tree out of the loft, it doesn’t look like she’s coming back does it?”

Mate

“Not before fucking Christmas anyway”

(True story).

 

[bornblueegg]

Fishing is like dogging

You’re out in all weathers

You don’t know if you’re going to catch something

Then you have to make a decision, whether to release them or kill them.

 

[halfmist]

I caught my Sister masturbating with a carrot.

I said, “stop that, I was going to eat that later. Now it’s just going to taste of carrots.”

It took a few seconds to sink in then....Ha ha

 

[aguero93:20]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? ****

Fixed

 

[jimharri]

Fixed

You should have changed "Frenchman" to "anyone".

 

[ray21]

I took my wife fishing to teach her a valuable lesson,I soon caught a fish,
I laid it on the ground smashed it over the head killing it,
She screamed what kind of lesson does that teach me ?
I replied it would still be alive if it had kept its fucking mouth shut.

 

[BackofJeanette]

You should have changed "Frenchman" to "anyone".

Fuck off you I'm wearing mine, well I am on me jollies!

 

[jimharri]

Fuck off you I'm wearing mine, well I am on me jollies!

We might skip the usual request for pictures in this case.

 

[TheRemainsOfTheDave]

Woman on Tipping Point tonight. "Groucho Marx, wasn't he one of the Three Stooges?"

Classic.

 

[warpig]

Me and the mrs not been getting on too good lately ,anyway

i came home from work last night,she'd left a note on the fridge saying " its not working,I'm going to my mums "

I opened the fridge,the light was on and the beer was ice cold,I'm not sure what she was talking about

Reminds me of...

A pair of my wife's knickers were stolen from our washing line last night. She's not bothered about the knickers but she'd like the 12 pegs back.