The "let's talk" thread

Ric said:
Nice post mate, and certainly not inconsequential. Everyone’s battles are different, and no less valid than others.

Your post particularly resonated with me though, as my Dad is in the mid to later stages of Alzheimer’s and seeing the impact it’s had on both parents really takes its toll. Seeing the person you always looked up to deteriorate into a shell of man before your eyes, and knowing that you will never hold any kind of meaningful conversation ever again, is tough. I know I should just be grateful that he’s still around, but as anyone who’s experienced it will vouch, Alzheimer’s is a pretty cruel disease.

In the same time my partner has fairly suddenly, unexpectedly lost both of her parents and been diagnosed with epilepsy which has also been difficult to come to terms with. Her situation is obviously far worse than mine, but has had a big impact on both of us. Having to put on a brave face for her and the kids isn’t always easy. Probably explains to some extent why I’m tetchier than usual on here, so apologies for that. Sometimes the additional stress of running this place gets to me, but that’s no excuse. I need to remind myself that it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things.

Think I know deep down that I’m perhaps drinking more than I should, and exercising less than I’d like, and that it’s having an impact on my mental wellbeing. The episodes of anxiety and depression are getting more frequent, yet I’m strangely reticent to visit my GP to discuss it. I think I fear being put on anti-depressants, as it feels that they would just mask the underlying issues and, pathetically, it’s a conversation I even feel awkward about having with my doctor. Odd, given that I’ve just opened up more to a bunch of relative strangers on the internet more than I ever have to anyone close to me. Guess that’s the effect of a couple of glasses of Rioja. Oh well. I’ll no doubt wake with a crippling sense of anxiety at about 3am and delete this post anyway.
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Cheers for the reply and a few things mate;

Please don’t delete your post. I know exactly where you’re coming from regarding anxiety after posting. I opened Bluemoon this morning with a sense of dread, but reading the replies and pm’s has been incredibly cathartic.

Second, I’m so sorry to hear about your father. I do have experience of Alzheimer's after my grandfather had to move in with my family where I was in my late teens. It’s a terrible illness and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

On the drinking, depression, anxiety and exercise point, I feel I can can actually give what may be classed as relatively useful advice. Up until April of this year, and for the previous 12-18 months or so, the stress of work and my own Dad had led to a situation where I was drinking one or two bottles of wine a night and hadn’t really bothered with exercise during that time. I went on holiday with the wife and she took some pictures when I was by the pool which horrified me. So I binned off the booze (I now have a glass or two of wine as and when I decide I want to, but kept off anything for a few months) and started going to the gym religiously (an hour a day is still only 4% of your day so we can find the time if we try).

Honestly Ric, it’s the best thing you can do. Exercise is the best anti-depressant on the market. Even on the days when I really don’t feel it, I’m always glad I’ve been once I finish and have the post exercise endorphins. Combined with cutting out (or down) on the booze has had a huge effect, both a physically empirical (dropped 13kg and back in the shape I was 10 years ago) but also mentally I’m in much better shape. I don’t think I’ve argued with my wife for six months, I don’t dread Monday mornings going to work, my IBS has all but buggered off and my stress levels rarely get the better of me.

I know it sounds a bit woo and no one likes the evangelical gym goer but I honestly believe that exercise the key to getting out of the booze/anxiety/depression/more booze cycle. The Bluemoon fitness thread is a superb resource also.

Take care
 
A year ago to the day yesterday, an incident at work occurred which began 5 months of hell for me that would go on to change my life forever.

The following 5 months was the hardest period of my life. I was probably depressed and my wife kept telling me to go the doctors for help but I wouldn't go. I put on loads of weight and stopped exercising. My outlook on life deteriorated.

I was supported with the work issue by a member on here which I will always be very grateful for.

The incident eventually led to a change of career to one with less kudos, less pay and less stability (which may lead to a another post on this thread in a few weeks)

Fast forward a year and I am much happier in my job than I have been for a few years. I've realised that i am better off out of the old career and looking from the outside can see lots that was wrong with it. I've learnt lots of new skills, increased confidence, developed new friendships at work and slowly started to get back to exercising. I now enjoy going to work which being honest I hadn't done for years previously.

So my message is that when things are going wrong and you feel shit; it will get better. Keep fighting through it and stay strong.
 
SWP's back said:
This seems rather insubstantial compared with some of the things I’ve read but my Dad’s very unwell and isn’t going to get any better. It’s been coming for a while and I really don’t know how I’m gonna cope when the day comes.

As most know I live a fair distance away but we’ve spoken on FaceTime most days for the last seven years (so I have more contact now than I had when I lived in Manchester). He’s still the first person I want to call after a good deal at work and the only nightmare I ever have, rather than monsters or being attacked is him passing and telling me he’s scared and me not being able to do anything.

It’s a **** of a disease and it’s destroyed this 6’ 3” big, hard, sharp, clever, loving bastard that’s spent the last 38 years being the rock I anchor my world against. I’m equally petrified and so very sad. I don’t let on to my Mrs, I don’t cry when I’m on the blower to him, even when he does (I save that for after we hang up) but I just don’t know what I’m going to do on that day.
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You sound close and I’m sure you have already done this. If not, though, make sure you tell him how much you love and respect him, and what a rock he’s been. Those are the best words any father could hear.

It was something I always regretted with my own dad. He went suddenly and there was no preparation. Besides, it just wasn’t the sort of thing we would do.
 
Blue Elvis said:
Ok, thanks Bill, I’ll throw one into the ether!

Has anyone had a stent op who wishes they hadn’t ? I know the arguments for having a stent but would like to hear the real life experiences of anyone who regrets doing so.

Thanks
CTID
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I had a stent put in but no regrets. Why do you ask, mate? Are you thinking about having it done but are worried?
 
sir baconface said:
I had a stent put in but no regrets. Why do you ask, mate? Are you thinking about having it done but are worried?
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Thanks for replying.
For me it’s a quality of life v quantity of life dilemma. To have a stent and take the recommended medication would mean giving up the things that make my life worthwhile.Had serious problems with side effects in the past.

At the moment the pain and breathlessness is still manageable so I can continue to do what I want/need to do.

Seeing cardiologist next week and just wanted to know pros and cons before I agree to anything. Thanks again.

CTID
 
dennishasdoneit said:
PM sent.
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Currently on biologics and have been for a couple of years. After just the third injection I was almost clear, thats from being covered from head to foot. Hope they work as well for you. If I can help just pm me. If you dont mind me asking, which tablet did the doc give you to make you go eurethrodermic. Take care blue.
 
sir baconface said:
You sound close and I’m sure you have already done this. If not, though, make sure you tell him how much you love and respect him, and what a rock he’s been. Those are the best words any father could hear.

It was something I always regretted with my own dad. He went suddenly and there was no preparation. Besides, it just wasn’t the sort of thing we would do.
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Me too. Mine died suddenly at 61. It was his anniversary this week. 12 years gone in a flash. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye or tell him anything. I was at City less than a week later with an empty chair next to me. It was heartbreaking.

As I get older and wiser I think about a lot of things and had I had my time again I would have done a lot of things differently.

Anxiety and depression are never far from me so anyone suffering from that, I know how that feels. Winter is a killer 4 months for me. I almost become a hermit other than work.
 
Blue Elvis said:
Thanks for replying.
For me it’s a quality of life v quantity of life dilemma. To have a stent and take the recommended medication would mean giving up the things that make my life worthwhile.Had serious problems with side effects in the past.

At the moment the pain and breathlessness is still manageable so I can continue to do what I want/need to do.

Seeing cardiologist next week and just wanted to know pros and cons before I agree to anything. Thanks again.

CTID
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You’re welcome, Elvis.

I had to take clopidogrel for a year after the op, which was 11 or 12 years ago now. I was already on a beta-blocker for high blood pressure. The current one is called ramipril. The other meds prescribed on a permanent basis were aspirin for blood thinning and simvastatin for cholesterol. None have given noticeable side effects (other than low toleration of dippers!). Obviously you’ve had a different experience but I believe some meds have alternatives if you do suffer side effects. Your doctor will advise.

I’m not a medic and don’t know what you’ve been prescribed. Therefore I don’t understand what activities you might have to give up. It was none in my case. I guess you’ll just to have to balance that against (hopefully) improved long term prospects. I’m confident my stent has helped me. Well, I’m still here!

The op itself sounds slightly daunting because you are fully conscious and watch the proceedings. In fact it just involved mild discomfort for a short period so it’s nothing to get too worried about.

Please PM me if you want to ask anything. If I don’t hear from you, good luck :)
 
yozzerblue said:
Currently on biologics and have been for a couple of years. After just the third injection I was almost clear, thats from being covered from head to foot. Hope they work as well for you. If I can help just pm me. If you dont mind me asking, which tablet did the doc give you to make you go eurethrodermic. Take care blue.
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Think you ve sent this to wrong poster Blue...?
 
Bilboblue said:
Yeah, Allopurinol for the gout, Ramipril and Amlodipine for blood pressure.
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Bilbo just a question about your amlodipine,are you ok taking it I had a bad experience on it very red purple rash and my legs went like tree trunks stopped taking it and changed to indapamide,been great since.
 
gordondaviesmoustache said:
About three and a half years ago I met a girl online. Three kids with two different dads, and clearly slightly damaged, but alarm bells didn’t start to ring and the relationship developed into something pretty special. She’d had a very different upbringing to me: abusive, Lanarkshire council estate, loveless, but she was a remarkable woman who had overcome all that and become a professional ballerina. She was also very bright, attractive, great in the sack and she absolutely adored me, and I loved her back. My folks loved her too. She was ace.

Saw her for 18 months, got on well with her eldest two (who she had joint custody of) and grew very close to her youngest, a girl (who she had sole custody of).

Early January 2018 went to Malta with her for a few days. Just me and her, which we’d struggled to do as much as we’d liked because her youngest, the one she had sole custody of, was 18 months old when I met her - and the dad was in Scotland. It simply wasn’t straightforward to go for meals out, never mind weekends away, but we dealt with it.

Got back from Malta on the Saturday, stayed at mine that night and dropped her at hers the following morning. Made a loose arrangement to maybe pop round that afternoon with my son who I was taking back to university that day.

Called her in the afternoon, no reply. Didn’t think much of it. Called her after I’d dropped him off - the same. Thought about going round that evening but left it. Called again in the morning, still no reply - started to get a bit concerned and decided to go round to hers as I was off work that day.

Got to the house and her car was in the drive, which was the first time I realised something was most likely wrong, as she was supposed to be at work. Got to the house, opened the door to find utter chaos. Her three year old had been running amok, who upon seeing me told me that mummy was asleep upstairs on the floor.

Went straight upstairs and found her dead, face down on the bedroom carpet, right next to the bed. A moment that will never leave me. Called 999, who told me to try and give her CPR, which I did, but I knew it was utterly hopeless and thankfully the paramedics turned up incredibly quickly and pronounced her dead immediately. Giving CPR to a corpse with her three year old daughter hysterically crying while I did so was pretty brutal. Post-mortem said it was an acute asthma attack, but I don’t accept that. I think she’s had an arrhythmia and dropped dead on the spot; not that it really matter what the cause was. It doesn’t change anything.

In many ways my life has been a positive experience since that dreadful moment and its aftermath; certainly I’m very content and thoroughly enjoy my work and my life It would be wrong to suggest that event and the surrounding circumstances have overwhelmed my life in the last two years, because they haven’t. Finding someone so full of life, looking so lifeless makes one realise the fragility of existence and the need to make the most of every day, which I believe I’ve done. However, I think about finding her like that very often, as I do her. As I’ve said, she was fucking ace and she was right for me. I talk about her every day and miss her very much. We made each other happy and for her, happiness was something that had been missing for most of her life.

Still in touch with the kids and hope to remain so, especially the three year old (who’s now five and the spitting image of her mum). I doubt she’ll now recall that dreadful morning, but equally she probably won’t remember her mum and it’s important that I can answer as many questions she will doubtless have when she’s older. She seems largely unaffected by it now, but that will change as she get older. Hopefully I can ameliorate that a little.

I try and take comfort from the fact that she was happy at the end, and I don’t believe she suffered, but it does little to suppress the feeling that me, her and her kids have been cheated. The reality is, however, the same could happen to any of us, at any time; between heartbeats.

And one piece of advice; make sure you tell someone that you love them as often as you can; you never know if it’s the last time you'll get the chance.
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Thought about this story throughout the day. Can’t imagine anything more horrific. Best of luck to you.
 
jay_mcfc said:
Thought about this story throughout the day. Can’t imagine anything more horrific. Best of luck to you.
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Thanks a lot mate. It was truly horrible. It’s been very tough at times, but life goes on. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for.

And I should add that I'm going up to Scotland to see the little girl the weekend before Christmas. Seen her quite few times in the last couple of years. Never met either dad before she died, but actually get on well with both of them, which has greatly surprised me. The other dad is a bit straight, but he’s always been fine and respectful towards me; the little girl’s dad is a proper piss head. Can drink me under the table, which is no mean feat. We get on really well. I think he’s sound.

So we all stay in touch. Got a WhatsApp group. They (including parents and step-parent) all stayed at my folks this summer. It was a brilliant weekend.

So, some good has come out of a horrible situation.
 
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gordondaviesmoustache said:
Thanks a lot mate. It was truly horrible. It’s been very tough at times, but life goes on. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for.

And I should add that I'm going up to Scotland to see the little girl the weekend before Christmas. Seen her quite few times in the last couple of years. Never met either dad before she died, but actually get on well with both of them, which has greatly surprised me. The other dad is a bit straight, but he’s always been fine and respectful towards me; the little girl’s dad is a proper piss head. Can drink me under the table, which is no mean feat. We get on really well. I think he’s sound.

So we all stay in touch. Got a WhatsApp group. They (including parents and step-parent) all stayed at my folks this summer. It was a brilliant weekend.

So, some good has come out of a horrible situation.
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It's difficult to know where to start with me! As a few know I've battled with depression since I was 13 and I'm 50 (a significant number in my fam) in 3 months.
I was once (and still am) an advocate of fighting, no matter what, through difficult depression. I've been nowhere near these kinds of posts in recent times as I've severely regressed. There are reasons why and I know it's affecting my overall health.

3 years ago my, then, 32 year old wife was diagnosed with heart issues in Oct '16. She was put on a loop reader then on to a pacemaker some months later (my timelines are all a bit jagged). During her ailment, my eldest brother passed at 50, suddenly, at MRI on New Year's EVE that year. I was off work for quite some time under the pressure of being there for my wife and kids and their for my sibling family that went to pot.

I ended up losing loads of weight from it and back on meds.

This summer was the Inquest for my brother and it was pretty much a stitch up from the hospital they did, but the event got postponed. Not long before that, my wife had a partial hysterectomy as the docs didn't want to remove her ovaries at 34. Well, a few months later after tests, they decided my wife's stomach pains were down to her ovaries about to turn cancerous so she has an op on 25th Nov with a pacemaker team and the big gynae surgeons as she's one of their team.

A week and a bit ago was the final ruling on my brother's Inquest. We knew we would lose even as there were conflicting evidence offered.

I've upped my dosage of antidepressants to no avail (my right eye is twitching like mad periodically), I don't feel like eating (can be 24 hrs at times), my job is going down the pan, my chest tightens every so often and I lost consciousness going to drain the pump, this early morning. I'd just about finished when I felt like I was falling through space and felt the door sharply against my back I tried to get up immediately and when again mid stance. I was lucky my wife had bought a 9 roll bag and placed it on the door handle!

I've no idea how long I was out, but it scared me. That's never happened to me before.

I even sent son a text at 0530 and decided against sleeping for the rest of the morning.

The significance of the age I keep mentioning; my parent passed at 49, my eldest Bro at 50. We all looked alike.

I don't think I'm bothered about me as I can't do anything about time; I'm just bothered about not seeing my kids and grandkids grow into people.

I've not told the wife as she's got her op going on and her Grandma has just been taken into hospital with dementia and may pass soon.

Just need to get checked out if I can, I think.

First time I've spoken about it all.
 
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