Joke thread

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs shagging, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'
I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works
we then walked past a sheep field and the ram was shagging the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex.
I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready'
we then went past a cow field and the bull was shagging the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull cant smell when she is ready, i said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.
anyway after the walk i dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but i hope your fucking cold gets better'
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
 
A bloke walks into a cafe and takes a look at the menu above the counter.


  • Ham Roll 50p
  • Cheese Roll 50p
  • Beef Roll 50p
  • Wanks £1
He then sees there is a beautiful, young woman serving behind the counter.

“Excuse me love" he says.

“Can I help you?” she answers.

“Is it you that gives the wanks?” asks the bloke, pointing at the menu.

“Yes, it is” says the young woman.

“Well, here's £1, but wash your hands please, I want two cheese rolls
 
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me", everyone cheered.
 
Sad news at the nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone cheered!!!
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me", everyone cheered.

2013 wants its joke back
 
I said to my wife “Jeez you’ve got a big fanny”. “Jeez you’ve got a big fanny”. She said “Why did you say it twice”. I said, “I didn’t, it must have been the echo”.
 

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