Zubrman
Well-Known Member
I started a school to teach philosophy to prostitutes, but it was short lived. Turns out, you can't put Descartes before the whores.
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
The wife wants a new house so I've spent all day looking at properties with 'period features'
She hates it when I call her that.
She hates it when I call her that.
LWashington
Well-Known Member
A farmer hears reports of a sheep roaming in the local village, so to make sure it isn't one of his he tells his sheepdog to go and count the sheep in his field.
The dog returns and says "There's 100 sheep in your field".
The Farmer says "100, No way I've only ever had 96 at most".
The Dog replies "I know but I rounded them up for you!"
The dog returns and says "There's 100 sheep in your field".
The Farmer says "100, No way I've only ever had 96 at most".
The Dog replies "I know but I rounded them up for you!"
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
David Cameron has a heart attack and dies. He turns up at the gates of Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"Well", says Lucifer, "since the Lefties are right about Jesus being a socialist obviously you're on my list. The trouble is that we're full so I have no room for you. Obviously you have to stay here so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got 3 folks here who weren't quite as bad as you so I'll let one of them go and you take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
This sounds good to Dave so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Muammar Gadhaffi and a large pool of boiling water. He kept diving in, climbing out and diving in again. Such was his fate in hell.
"No", Dave said. "I'm not a strong swimmer and I don't think I could stay in boiling water all day. "
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Saddam Hussein with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No, I've got a problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day." commented Dave.
The Devil opened the last door. In it was Boris Johnson with his arms and legs staked in a spread eagled pose. On her knees in front of him was Katie Hopkins, doing what Monica is known for. Dave looked at this scene in disbelief for a few minutes then said "Yeah, I can handle this"
The devil replies "OK, Katie, you're free to go"
"Well", says Lucifer, "since the Lefties are right about Jesus being a socialist obviously you're on my list. The trouble is that we're full so I have no room for you. Obviously you have to stay here so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got 3 folks here who weren't quite as bad as you so I'll let one of them go and you take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
This sounds good to Dave so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Muammar Gadhaffi and a large pool of boiling water. He kept diving in, climbing out and diving in again. Such was his fate in hell.
"No", Dave said. "I'm not a strong swimmer and I don't think I could stay in boiling water all day. "
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Saddam Hussein with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No, I've got a problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day." commented Dave.
The Devil opened the last door. In it was Boris Johnson with his arms and legs staked in a spread eagled pose. On her knees in front of him was Katie Hopkins, doing what Monica is known for. Dave looked at this scene in disbelief for a few minutes then said "Yeah, I can handle this"
The devil replies "OK, Katie, you're free to go"
jimharri
Moderator
An oldie, but what the fuck; it's saturday night.
Murphy and Kelly need a few pints.
They put all their money together but still have only a couple of coppera.
Murphy tells Kelly he has come up with a cunning plan
Murphy takes the small change, goes into a butchers, and spends all the money on a single sausage
Going into a pub, they ask for two pints and drink them down quickly
When the barman asks for the money, Murphy sneaks the sausage into his fly and Kelly kneels in front of him and sucks it
Outraged, the barman throws them out
They go to a dozen other pubs and successfully pull the same stunt
Finally, Kelly complains, ‘’ I can’t do this any more. My knees are killing me’’
‘’Just your knees?’’ says Murphy. ‘’You’re lucky, I lost the sausage in the second pub’’
Murphy and Kelly need a few pints.
They put all their money together but still have only a couple of coppera.
Murphy tells Kelly he has come up with a cunning plan
Murphy takes the small change, goes into a butchers, and spends all the money on a single sausage
Going into a pub, they ask for two pints and drink them down quickly
When the barman asks for the money, Murphy sneaks the sausage into his fly and Kelly kneels in front of him and sucks it
Outraged, the barman throws them out
They go to a dozen other pubs and successfully pull the same stunt
Finally, Kelly complains, ‘’ I can’t do this any more. My knees are killing me’’
‘’Just your knees?’’ says Murphy. ‘’You’re lucky, I lost the sausage in the second pub’’
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
Raheem Sterling goes into the City dressing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool at Anfield. They're shit and we can't be bothered".
Raheem looks at them and says "Well, after the way I was treated when I moved I owe those cnuts a few things. I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." .
So Raheem goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the City team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so Joe Hart gets his iPhone out and fires up LiveScore. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Liverpool 0 - Manchester City 1 (Raheem Sterling, 10 minutes) "
He is beating the Red Scouse all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" Joe checks his phone again.
"Result from Anfield: "Liverpool 1 (Coutinho, pen, 98 minutes) - Manchester City 1 (Raheem Sterling, 10 minutes) "
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Liverpool!! They rush back to Klanfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, weeping, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid, you got a draw against Liverpool, all by yourself. And they only scored from a dodgy penalty well into Fergie Time!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down!. After I scored I ran the length of the pitch and did an Adebeyor Slide towards the Kop and that bastard Clattenburg sent me off"
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool at Anfield. They're shit and we can't be bothered".
Raheem looks at them and says "Well, after the way I was treated when I moved I owe those cnuts a few things. I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." .
So Raheem goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the City team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so Joe Hart gets his iPhone out and fires up LiveScore. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Liverpool 0 - Manchester City 1 (Raheem Sterling, 10 minutes) "
He is beating the Red Scouse all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" Joe checks his phone again.
"Result from Anfield: "Liverpool 1 (Coutinho, pen, 98 minutes) - Manchester City 1 (Raheem Sterling, 10 minutes) "
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Liverpool!! They rush back to Klanfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, weeping, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid, you got a draw against Liverpool, all by yourself. And they only scored from a dodgy penalty well into Fergie Time!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down!. After I scored I ran the length of the pitch and did an Adebeyor Slide towards the Kop and that bastard Clattenburg sent me off"
jimharri
Moderator
Have you heard about the man caught masturbating in the newsagents?
That's odd...
...it was all over the papers!
That's odd...
...it was all over the papers!
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
What's twelve inches long and snaps a ****?
A selfie stick.
A selfie stick.
city saint
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 17 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 6,323
hearing the news that Osama bin ladens family were killed when their plane crashed into a car auction site in London.good job it didn't land on porche or we"d have had another 911 on our hands
A lad turns round to his mum and says "I've got the biggest willy in Nursery.... Is it because I'm a northerner"?
"No" she replies, it's because you're 28 and a idiot.... "Now be a good boy and eat your spaghetti hoops and make sure you don't get any down your Manchester United shirt".
"No" she replies, it's because you're 28 and a idiot.... "Now be a good boy and eat your spaghetti hoops and make sure you don't get any down your Manchester United shirt".