Joke thread

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us”

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and it wagged its tail
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal”

And God said, ” I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, its name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call it DOG”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them
And they were comforted
And God was pleased

And Dog was content and wagged its tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well...”

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings

And Adam and Eve learned humility
And they were greatly improved
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy

And Cat couldn't give a flying fuck either way
 
Chippy_boy said:
Ah, Humphrey Littleton what a genius. Some of my faves...

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now, as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she might have an Old Man's Beard in her bush...


Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs...

...Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow, who's brought over a variety of caviars and a rare vodka-based apperitif. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in her hotel room, and then liqour out on the balcony...

...Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's meeting her new gentleman friend at the local hospital where he's an anaesthetist. He's promised to introduce her to some of his patients, and later on Samantha is hoping he'll let her help him knock one out...

...Samantha needs to nip out now as she has to buy a present for her new gentleman friend, who likes to play with his model boats at bathtime. Samantha says she's thought about him long and hard, and decided to give him a little tug for his birthday...

And my favourite:

...Samantha has to nip out now, as she's off to meet a gentleman friend who's helping her restore some old furniture. She's just purchased an antique chest of drawers which her friend says has suffered from having candles placed on it. Samantha says she's looking forward to stripping her new tall boy while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her...
Click to expand...
My favourite from him wasn't about Samantha though......

'The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey died earlier this week. There was however an unfortunate incident in the funeral parlour as they were putting him in the coffin. They managed to get his left leg in but then the trouble started...'
 
Had a massive argument with the missus last night, after which she stormed out of the house.

Then she sent this text message.

Gotaproblemwithmyphone.Thespacekeyisntworking.Anywayimfedupofthesecontinuingarguments.Youregoingtohavetomoveoutotherwisewhenigethomeyouregoingtohavetogivemeanalternative.

Iv made my decision, I’m not moving out. But wtf does ternative mean ?
 
bluebaja said:
My favourite from him wasn't about Samantha though......

'The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey died earlier this week. There was however an unfortunate incident in the funeral parlour as they were putting him in the coffin. They managed to get his left leg in but then the trouble started...'
Click to expand...
Samantha's new boyfriend is a great cook - she's especially fond of his kidneys cooked in red wing and she likes his tongue in cider
 
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