BackofJeanette
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- 20 Apr 2011
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
jazzy
Well-Known Member
ColinBellsjockstrap
Well-Known Member
Kim Yong-un wanted some positive media coverage for his birthday, and commissioned a composer in Pyongyang to write a symphony for his birthday concert. The composer would even get the honour of conducting the orchestra.
Well, it was an utter disaster. The string section was playing in a different key to the brass section and the horn section completely missed their entry a at the climax of the finalé, ruining the whole thing. The Supreme Leader was purple with rage, motioning to nearby soldiers to escort the hapless composer to a nearby prison. He was to be executed by electric chair the following morning.
The guards did offer him the last meal of his choice though. He asked for a really hot curry, which the guards fetched him.
The following day came and Kim Yong-un came to witness the composer being punished for his embarrassing display. Mr Kim took a seat and gestured to the executioner to throw the switch. He duly did so, the lights of the prison dimmed for a few seconds... and there sat a completely unharmed conductor.
His rage punctured by his astonishment, Kim Yong-un thought this to be a sign from the universe that the composer be given another chance. The Day Of The Sun was not far away, and the composer was offered another chance and another concert. A new piece of music was composed.
Rehearsals went well but yet again, the performance was woeful. No two musicians were in time with each other and the lead violinist murdered the melody of the opening movement. The composer looked nervously to the Presidential Box, where Kim
Yong-un sat, shaking his head.
Once again, the composer found himself dragged back to another prison, condemned to the electric chair. When offered a last meal, he asked for "a really, really hot curry, even more hot than the last one." It was duly prepared.
On the day, Kim ordered a special generator be added to ensure additional voltage, and that all the components of the electric chair be checked. At the critical moment, the lights dimmed again... and the conductor had not even a singed hair to show for it.
The flabbergasted Supreme Leader stood to his feet, shooting and pointing at the stubbornly alive victim: "You will have one more chance on International Workers Day to prove yourself!" he screamed. "But I warn you; while you are preparing I will build an execution chamber directly at a power station, and demand that while power station's supply is dedicated to terminating your existence if you fail me!"
The third attempt, in front of the great and the good of Pyongyang, sadly fared no better. Kim Yong-un didn't even wait for the first movement to finish this time, insisting that the unfortunate composer be led to a waiting van, driven to a brand new electric chair at a nearby power station.
Just as the man was about to ask for yet another final meal- a curry hotter than anyone has ever made before- into the prison cell marched Kim with a couple of guards. "There is to be no final meal, and certainly no curry!", he bellowed. "You are to be executed right away! You have embarrassed me enough!"
And so the composer meekly followed his guards to his personal electric chair, a veritable mountain of cables and circuitry. Whole cities would be deprived of power to ensure his demise. And when the switch was thrown... nothing happened.
"But how?", shouted Kim Yong-un. "You didn't have any curry this time and no one should have survived all of that electrical potential!"
"It's nothing to do with the curries, O Great One.", said the musician. "I am the finest composer in North Korea...
... but I am a really poor conductor."
Well, it was an utter disaster. The string section was playing in a different key to the brass section and the horn section completely missed their entry a at the climax of the finalé, ruining the whole thing. The Supreme Leader was purple with rage, motioning to nearby soldiers to escort the hapless composer to a nearby prison. He was to be executed by electric chair the following morning.
The guards did offer him the last meal of his choice though. He asked for a really hot curry, which the guards fetched him.
The following day came and Kim Yong-un came to witness the composer being punished for his embarrassing display. Mr Kim took a seat and gestured to the executioner to throw the switch. He duly did so, the lights of the prison dimmed for a few seconds... and there sat a completely unharmed conductor.
His rage punctured by his astonishment, Kim Yong-un thought this to be a sign from the universe that the composer be given another chance. The Day Of The Sun was not far away, and the composer was offered another chance and another concert. A new piece of music was composed.
Rehearsals went well but yet again, the performance was woeful. No two musicians were in time with each other and the lead violinist murdered the melody of the opening movement. The composer looked nervously to the Presidential Box, where Kim
Yong-un sat, shaking his head.
Once again, the composer found himself dragged back to another prison, condemned to the electric chair. When offered a last meal, he asked for "a really, really hot curry, even more hot than the last one." It was duly prepared.
On the day, Kim ordered a special generator be added to ensure additional voltage, and that all the components of the electric chair be checked. At the critical moment, the lights dimmed again... and the conductor had not even a singed hair to show for it.
The flabbergasted Supreme Leader stood to his feet, shooting and pointing at the stubbornly alive victim: "You will have one more chance on International Workers Day to prove yourself!" he screamed. "But I warn you; while you are preparing I will build an execution chamber directly at a power station, and demand that while power station's supply is dedicated to terminating your existence if you fail me!"
The third attempt, in front of the great and the good of Pyongyang, sadly fared no better. Kim Yong-un didn't even wait for the first movement to finish this time, insisting that the unfortunate composer be led to a waiting van, driven to a brand new electric chair at a nearby power station.
Just as the man was about to ask for yet another final meal- a curry hotter than anyone has ever made before- into the prison cell marched Kim with a couple of guards. "There is to be no final meal, and certainly no curry!", he bellowed. "You are to be executed right away! You have embarrassed me enough!"
And so the composer meekly followed his guards to his personal electric chair, a veritable mountain of cables and circuitry. Whole cities would be deprived of power to ensure his demise. And when the switch was thrown... nothing happened.
"But how?", shouted Kim Yong-un. "You didn't have any curry this time and no one should have survived all of that electrical potential!"
"It's nothing to do with the curries, O Great One.", said the musician. "I am the finest composer in North Korea...
... but I am a really poor conductor."
sir baconface
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Alan Harper's Tash
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Stuuuuuu
Well-Known Member
Kinda missing the point that the name of the original paper was a joke on Harry Potter in the first place.
Alan Harper's Tash
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Apologies. I didn’t know you’d written it.
Stuuuuuu
Well-Known Member
I didn't. However, I do possess basic reading comprehension skills.
Alan Harper's Tash
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- 12 Dec 2010
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- 70,214
I guess it much more important than watching City, what with you replying half an hour into the game.
Well done. Keep up your fun policing.
roman totale
Well-Known Member
Reminds me of the old Two Ronnies sketch, where Barker tells Corbett,
“You got to stop buying stuff from that bloke down the pub. Remember that golden Labrador puppy he sold ya?”
“Why, what was wrong with it?”
“It was a bloody hamster!”
I’m doing it from memory, the actual words were funnier. I did try and find it on the ‘net. All I’ll say is that there appears to be a surprising amount of Two Ronnies sketches on xHamster…
Last edited:
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
A bloke had an accident at work. He called his wife and said “honey, I just cut my finger off at work” She replied “your whole finger?!” “Thankfully no, the one next to it.”
Ourman
Well-Known Member
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That's nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”
The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That's nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”
The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
crazyg
Well-Known Member
In my case, the 60s!
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
If you know, you know why that would be a brave thing to do!
I remember a time you could go shopping with a couple of quid and come back with some steak. a leg of lamb, potatoes a chicken, a jar of coffee, a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates and some sweets for the kids.... Cant do it these days, too many security cameras...