Take
Take care mate
Slowly realising how much less relaxed and gentle I've been over the last four, five years. The pressure really got to me. I became more fearful, more angry inside, more confrontational, and all that happened was I tied myself in knots and went round in circles. I knew I wasn't getting 'me' right. But it's only just starting to become clear what that means. Sometimes the answers are relatively straightforward, but they remain forever out of your reach, you can never get to clarity. You just end up in spirals of agony.
"Something must be done. I must do something." But what? If you let it get too personal, you might not cope. You might not sleep properly. You might never have a clear thought from dawn to dusk. You might never think of anything you can say without going off on a never ending, embarrassing rant, that offends and confuses, rather than delivers the message.
It's been a nightmare, and TBH it isn't over yet. I'm almost grieving for my former self, usually in control, usually knowing the useful strategy, kind and accepting. Unfussed and unfussy. Supportive and far warmer. I can point the finger at other people or circumstances or anything at all. But it's me that's changed. It's my loss. I can't believe I allowed myself to talk myself out of being that person at all times. Anger is natural but sometimes it's not useful to direct it at the person or persons in question. It's not sensible or fair because we get angry over a lot of things, and that anger turns into a big ball. What you expose the other person to, was not all their fault, not all about what you are trying to express to them. For me, so much of it is frustration at losing out to my own anger. A vicious cycle.
For now I'm aiming for positivity and self-reassurance, and to sensibly avoid certain situations. It's early days but I feel I've improved somewhat.
Anyway all the best to anyone suffering in any which way at all. Love, and hugs, and kisses. If this is your worst hour, then it will get better.
Take care mate