S
S
Summerbuzz
Guest
Yeah the cold rain and darkened skies has really left me reeling. Have barely made it out, although I'm semi-isolating, as I've had another bout of headaches, malaise, and a couple of incidences of my heart racing, with a very very slight chesty/nasal thing.
Every day is a deluge of 'realisations' about life and the world. Which at least is a relief from a deluge of self-hating reflection on the past!
But I've been at this a while now. Here's where I am now:
When it feels the most unmanagable, it's my emotions. And they pass. It's usually some unresolved conflict in the way things look to be going. Like people not caring, the govt arsing about. But I'm very aware that this is one of 'those' moments, where everyone is at their wits end, or seemingly giving up. It's just a moment where I'm pretty sure I can see how rough things are likely to be, I've given up on the best case scenarios for the govt and public and so on. But that's it. Things will move forward in time. We're really at an impasse where the pressure builds in the public, and it's a fact of life some of us feel it more and sooner than others. And even if things were different and they'd done exactly what I hoped for, we'd still be looking at a very rough journey, I've no reason to truly believe it would definitely for sure have made things better. It's all unknown right now. And I know that there are millions of people in as much of a mess over the future as they have ever been, and that it ultimately, isn't anyone's fault. It's time to let ourselves off the hook for it. We can't fix the big problem on our own. Fretting and getting upset with ourselves will never work. We have to live like this for a while, and it's always on my mind that NOW is the time to make peace with myself, give up on ranting and raving, because it will make me feel worse. Don't act so foolish, because it always leaves me feeling worse. Don't give into having a go at others, because the only peace is knowing that they could have a go at you, everyone can have a decent go at everyone else, and ultimately, what does that mean, except we're all guilty of something in someone's eyes, so you can't really be worse than the rest, can you.. it's just the first time you've really listened to that criticism. And it stops hurting after a while, because that's just life. I don't like the voices around me sometimes, they've hurt me, for sure, but there was nothing else to do except learn to live with it, and realise how little it means in the grand scheme to be exposed to someone who hates the way I live or think or whatever. Even when it comes from me, the criticism, it's just one side of what matters. I can't keep every argument, every point of view in my head at once to really sort it out. So I just sort of say, well, there'll be another point of view along soon enough, so why get stuck on this one. Stop fighting it. Go back to what you were doing. You probably a good reason for that. Even if you are wrong, keep your chin up. Stay focused on the here and now, and don't let guilt or anything else dissuade you. THAT is what I need to avoid things getting worse. And that is a responsibility all of us carry at this time. So I give up on the thought of this being a great chance to do x,y or z, then getting frustrated when it doesn't fulfil me or seem worthwhile. Because it's just another day. Just another day to survive and get through things. Stay healthy and hope that you are accuing a slightly wiser perspective. You can't make it all go away, can't persuade everyone, can't have a magical time. Realising why then leads you to other questions, slightly bigger. And they are just never ever going to be solved in a furious argument with yourself or someone else. All you can do is adjust to this new task. And that will bring some peace.
Which is to say - I'm finally sleeping a lot better. I used to find myself raging and ranting in my head over and over. My fault, their fault. Something must be done! Well, someone somewhere else would say 'this must not be done!'
Now what is the point in that? What can I do? How sure am I really? And if the answer starts to become a bit clearer, as 'there's very little I can do about the wider world', and 'I'm really not, without the heat of the dispute, daft enough to say I am very sure at all'... then it's easier to reflect and say, 'Well, we'd better just stay well then, get some good rest, and don't worry, it's not just you, it's everyone, and ultimately, we as a species and society have made it through much worse, and then used it as a springboard for progress... what I believed a year ago, it would be a shame to hold onto things too tightly, and miss the opportunity to watch and participate in a future that is likely to make a large amount of that stuff I hold onto so passionately look more than a bit small-minded.
I can feel this happening most days, if I'm lucky. And the funny thing is, the bits that in many ways seem more valuable to hold onto, it usually turns out that they come from my parents, or teachers. Much more so than any other sources. And in looking at that, I can see how difficult it was for them, how daft they were in some respects, but how unbelievably and importantly right they were in others... now moreso than ever.
And again, I'm losing the impact of judgemental thinking, because, daft people, people who do things wrong, make mistakes... people who hurt you, or others.... that group of people turns out to include every last person. And every last person out there likely has some understanding in them, that if they could give it to you, would make your life better. And they are all trying to live what that truth tells them, and protect it from harm.
Anyway, my advice for SAD is - if possible, get some warm, stylish practical clothes you will enjoy wearing out and about. Jump on the sunny spells. Take walks, check out the autumn colors and photograph the landscapes and crazy sunsets. And get some good blankets and cheap tracky bums for home. Much nicer than bumming about in outdoor clothes turning the heating up because they don't keep you warm. And try not to pressure yourself into wanting to go out every single time. It should present itself as an opportunity to grab something good. Sometimes home will be better.
Every day is a deluge of 'realisations' about life and the world. Which at least is a relief from a deluge of self-hating reflection on the past!
But I've been at this a while now. Here's where I am now:
When it feels the most unmanagable, it's my emotions. And they pass. It's usually some unresolved conflict in the way things look to be going. Like people not caring, the govt arsing about. But I'm very aware that this is one of 'those' moments, where everyone is at their wits end, or seemingly giving up. It's just a moment where I'm pretty sure I can see how rough things are likely to be, I've given up on the best case scenarios for the govt and public and so on. But that's it. Things will move forward in time. We're really at an impasse where the pressure builds in the public, and it's a fact of life some of us feel it more and sooner than others. And even if things were different and they'd done exactly what I hoped for, we'd still be looking at a very rough journey, I've no reason to truly believe it would definitely for sure have made things better. It's all unknown right now. And I know that there are millions of people in as much of a mess over the future as they have ever been, and that it ultimately, isn't anyone's fault. It's time to let ourselves off the hook for it. We can't fix the big problem on our own. Fretting and getting upset with ourselves will never work. We have to live like this for a while, and it's always on my mind that NOW is the time to make peace with myself, give up on ranting and raving, because it will make me feel worse. Don't act so foolish, because it always leaves me feeling worse. Don't give into having a go at others, because the only peace is knowing that they could have a go at you, everyone can have a decent go at everyone else, and ultimately, what does that mean, except we're all guilty of something in someone's eyes, so you can't really be worse than the rest, can you.. it's just the first time you've really listened to that criticism. And it stops hurting after a while, because that's just life. I don't like the voices around me sometimes, they've hurt me, for sure, but there was nothing else to do except learn to live with it, and realise how little it means in the grand scheme to be exposed to someone who hates the way I live or think or whatever. Even when it comes from me, the criticism, it's just one side of what matters. I can't keep every argument, every point of view in my head at once to really sort it out. So I just sort of say, well, there'll be another point of view along soon enough, so why get stuck on this one. Stop fighting it. Go back to what you were doing. You probably a good reason for that. Even if you are wrong, keep your chin up. Stay focused on the here and now, and don't let guilt or anything else dissuade you. THAT is what I need to avoid things getting worse. And that is a responsibility all of us carry at this time. So I give up on the thought of this being a great chance to do x,y or z, then getting frustrated when it doesn't fulfil me or seem worthwhile. Because it's just another day. Just another day to survive and get through things. Stay healthy and hope that you are accuing a slightly wiser perspective. You can't make it all go away, can't persuade everyone, can't have a magical time. Realising why then leads you to other questions, slightly bigger. And they are just never ever going to be solved in a furious argument with yourself or someone else. All you can do is adjust to this new task. And that will bring some peace.
Which is to say - I'm finally sleeping a lot better. I used to find myself raging and ranting in my head over and over. My fault, their fault. Something must be done! Well, someone somewhere else would say 'this must not be done!'
Now what is the point in that? What can I do? How sure am I really? And if the answer starts to become a bit clearer, as 'there's very little I can do about the wider world', and 'I'm really not, without the heat of the dispute, daft enough to say I am very sure at all'... then it's easier to reflect and say, 'Well, we'd better just stay well then, get some good rest, and don't worry, it's not just you, it's everyone, and ultimately, we as a species and society have made it through much worse, and then used it as a springboard for progress... what I believed a year ago, it would be a shame to hold onto things too tightly, and miss the opportunity to watch and participate in a future that is likely to make a large amount of that stuff I hold onto so passionately look more than a bit small-minded.
I can feel this happening most days, if I'm lucky. And the funny thing is, the bits that in many ways seem more valuable to hold onto, it usually turns out that they come from my parents, or teachers. Much more so than any other sources. And in looking at that, I can see how difficult it was for them, how daft they were in some respects, but how unbelievably and importantly right they were in others... now moreso than ever.
And again, I'm losing the impact of judgemental thinking, because, daft people, people who do things wrong, make mistakes... people who hurt you, or others.... that group of people turns out to include every last person. And every last person out there likely has some understanding in them, that if they could give it to you, would make your life better. And they are all trying to live what that truth tells them, and protect it from harm.
Anyway, my advice for SAD is - if possible, get some warm, stylish practical clothes you will enjoy wearing out and about. Jump on the sunny spells. Take walks, check out the autumn colors and photograph the landscapes and crazy sunsets. And get some good blankets and cheap tracky bums for home. Much nicer than bumming about in outdoor clothes turning the heating up because they don't keep you warm. And try not to pressure yourself into wanting to go out every single time. It should present itself as an opportunity to grab something good. Sometimes home will be better.