Joke thread

[Grumpyman]

 

[Bournemouth Blue]

I saw an advert from a Donkey Sanctuary to adopt a donkey for £3 a month. Man United did that a couple of years ago but they are paying Harry Maguire a lot more than £3 a month.

 

[goalmole]

The Pope is suffering from a terrible illness and seems likely to die.
"I have to tell you, Holy Father," says the doctor, "that you have what is known as a 'semen block', and if this block is not removed as soon as possible you will surely die."

"So how do you intend to remove it?" asks the Pope.

"You cannot remove the block yourself; it has to be done by a woman."

"OK," says the Pope. "Then bring me a woman who is blind so she cannot see me and deaf so she cannot recognise my voice. She must also be mute so she cannot tell anyone about this terrible occurrence."

"Of course, Holy Father," says the doctor. "Any other requests?"

"Yes. Make sure she has big tits."

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

A genie granted me one wish.

I said, "I wish I could be you."

"A but weurd," saud the genue, "but u'll grant ut."

 

[Grumpyman]

 

[Idesofmarch69]

Mr Rangnick was taking his first training session at Carrington. He'd seen United on video and thought they needed a feisty midfielder so he contacted a Polish lad who he thought would fit the bill. They all met up on the training pitch and Rangnick took the lad aside and said in broken English:

"This is ball. Win ball and kick hard between those two white sticks which we call goal".

The lad replied:
"Boss. I learnt how to speak English at the age of three and graduated from Warwick University with a degree in English literature. I understand English".

Rangnick replied:

"I'm not talking to you."

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Mr Rangnick was taking his first training session at Carrington. He'd seen United on video and thought they needed a feisty midfielder so he contacted a Polish lad who he thought would fit the bill. They all met up on the training pitch and Rangnick took the lad aside and said in broken English:

"This is ball. Win ball and kick hard between those two white sticks which we call goal".

The lad replied:
"Boss. I learnt how to speak English at the age of three and graduated from Warwick University with a degree in English literature. I understand English".

Rangnick replied:

"I'm not talking to you."

Who is he talking to, given he took the lad aside? Himself?

 

[Idesofmarch69]

Who is he talking to, given he took the lad aside? Himself?

One misplaced "aside" and the joke is fucked.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

One misplaced "aside" and the joke is fucked.

Sorry.

 

[Idesofmarch69]

Sorry.

Should I use the edit facility?