Joke thread

[tommyhair]

Not bad at all

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.
The place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice...

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts...


"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage,

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"


The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold

of the mike, and starts to sing.....



"A jazz chord to say I ruv you.

 

[blue rebel]

a little girl cuts her hand in the playground and runs crying to the teacher,she asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"why do you want a glass of cider"the teacher asks
"to take the pain away" sobs the little girl
"what do you mean" asks the teacher
"well" sobs the little girl , "i overheard my big sister say whenever she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider"

I nominate this as the oldest joke ever to be put on BM. Has 111 pages really shown we have run out of jokes ?

here is an older one

whats the difference between a sock and a camera ,
one takes 5 toes the other takes 4 toes.

and even older...

I woke up this morning to a tap on the door..................

funny sense of humour our plumber

 

[mrcunny]

My wife came in moaning,"I'm sick of you wasting your time with all these inventions! None of them fucking work anyway!"It was at that point that the "Slap-A-Cuntomatic 3000" proved her wrong.

 

[onelife]

Have you seen how sexually explicit the new man utd calender is ?


There's a c**t on every page.

 

[speccybob]

I always loved my ex's fanny, the neatly trimmed hair, soft skin at the top of her thighs, her erect clitoris, her tight but wet vaginal opening..


It was the rest of the **** I couldnt stand.

 

[pieface]

 

[Zubrman]

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

 

[mammutly]

 

[2sheikhs]

Yoko Ono is in next years I'm a celebrity. She win it because she's been living off a dead beatle for over 30 years.

 

[Brisblu]

Robot for sale....

ROBOT For Sale
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.
End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale ;)

OK I'll get my coat