RadcliffeRick
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Was she a post lady??
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
billymumphrey
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foetus said:While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle." She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill.
She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts.
She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus,when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,you've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0[/youtube]
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
corky1970 said:foetus said:While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle." She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill.
She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts.
She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus,when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,you've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."
can i have your address?
i need to come round and fuck your face with a bat
Is that before or after the post lady ahs finished with him?
Phil Meup
Well-Known Member
Went into a bookshop looking for a present for my post lady.
Does she like Dickens? asked the assistant...
Does she like Dickens? asked the assistant...
I can't believe I have just read that.foetus said:While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle." She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill.
She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts.
She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus,when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,you've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."
johnmc
Well-Known Member
I surprised my post lady the other day by locking her vegatable drawer shut.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
jimharri
Moderator
A nun, a supermodel, Morrissey and Mick from Manchester are sharing a compartment on a train. The train enters a tunnel and everything goes black. All of a sudden they hear a loud "SMACK" and when the train re-emerges from the tunnel Morrissey has a big red handprint on the side of his face.
The nun thinks to herself: ''That creep must have got handy with the supermodel when we went into the tunnel and she smacked him. Good for her!''
The supermodel thinks: ''He must have tried to feel me up while we were in the dark and got the nun instead. Well done, Sister!''
Morrissey thinks to himself: ''What was that for?! I didn't do anything. I bet that Mick fella made a grab at that model and she thought it was me. It's not fair!''
Meanwhile, Mick smiles to himself, thinking: ''I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can slap that **** again!''
The nun thinks to herself: ''That creep must have got handy with the supermodel when we went into the tunnel and she smacked him. Good for her!''
The supermodel thinks: ''He must have tried to feel me up while we were in the dark and got the nun instead. Well done, Sister!''
Morrissey thinks to himself: ''What was that for?! I didn't do anything. I bet that Mick fella made a grab at that model and she thought it was me. It's not fair!''
Meanwhile, Mick smiles to himself, thinking: ''I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can slap that **** again!''
Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jimmy, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Sandra, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jimmy, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sandra followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jimmy courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jimmy doesn't, that Jimmy should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon £500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Sandra had promised. Afterwards, Jimmy quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jimmy come by today?"
With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you £500.00?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred."
Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Sandra by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jimmy came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred pounds from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sandra followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jimmy courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jimmy doesn't, that Jimmy should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon £500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Sandra had promised. Afterwards, Jimmy quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jimmy come by today?"
With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you £500.00?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred."
Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Sandra by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jimmy came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred pounds from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Phil Meup
Well-Known Member
Thank god the Joke thread is back on track - love it!mrcunny said:The wife left a note on the fridge saying "its no good, its not working. I'm staying at mums for a while".
I opened it, the light came on & the beer was chilled. Fuck knows what she's on about.
jimharri
Moderator
A woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. She takes out a personal ad and corresponds with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, after coming out of the bathroom (having slipped into something more ''comfortable!), she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.
"What's happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
On their wedding night, after coming out of the bathroom (having slipped into something more ''comfortable!), she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.
"What's happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
foetus
Well-Known Member
Wait...who's Jerry?bennyblue said:Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jimmy, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Sandra, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jimmy, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sandra followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jimmy courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jimmy doesn't, that Jimmy should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon £500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Sandra had promised. Afterwards, Jimmy quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jimmy come by today?"
With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you £500.00?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred."
Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Sandra by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jimmy came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred pounds from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
foetus said:Wait...who's Jerry?bennyblue said:Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jimmy, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Sandra, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jimmy, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sandra followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jimmy courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jimmy doesn't, that Jimmy should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon £500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Sandra had promised. Afterwards, Jimmy quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jimmy come by today?"
With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you £500.00?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred."
Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Sandra by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jimmy came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred pounds from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
The post lady's husband
ColinBellsjockstrap
Well-Known Member
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it."
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it."
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
TTTCITYBHOY
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 28 Dec 2009
- Messages
- 9,830
- Team supported
- CITY...who else
Oh that's fukn hilarious.mrcunny said:I've learnt a valuable lesson from the recent Glasgow helicopter crash... Pigs can't fly!
You proud of that.
9 people aren't.
7 innocents & 2 "pigs".
foetus
Well-Known Member
Thought I'd get at least 1 point for not mentioning the post lady.billymumphrey said:foetus said:While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle." She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill.
She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts.
She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus,when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,you've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0[/youtube]
A
A
Anonymous
Guest
East Level 2 said:ban-mcfc said:"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
That's three in a row straight off Sikipedia this morning. Or did you post them there as well?
Fuck me the joke police are here.
Okay you got me I didn't write them myself and I picked 3 good ones that made me laugh to share.
I'm assuming you think everyone else invented their's?
A testimony to true mateship is...
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
ban-mcfc said:East Level 2 said:ban-mcfc said:"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
That's three in a row straight off Sikipedia this morning. Or did you post them there as well?
Fuck me the joke police are here.
Okay you got me I didn't write them myself and I picked 3 good ones that made me laugh to share.
I'm assuming you think everyone else invented their's?
Im Gutted ! I was hoping for a tour