TheBlueDune
Well-Known Member
Must be a BOXing Day joke in there somewhereandy h said:
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
BackofJeanette
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 20 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 1,580
If you can't beat em........
RIP Sir Patrick Moore the man was a genius of an astronomer but even he couldnt figure out what the 3 stars on Manchester Citys badge are for!
RIP Sir Patrick Moore the man was a genius of an astronomer but even he couldnt figure out what the 3 stars on Manchester Citys badge are for!
BackofJeanette
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 20 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 1,580
Does Santa really live in the north pole? Lets look at the evidence :-
1. Good at breaking into houses
2. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace
3. Drives an unlicensed vehicle
4. Only does one days work a year
5. Wears red & white. .
Lapland my arse! He's a fucking scouser !
........................
I have two young children who still believe in Father Christmas. What I hate more than anything, after working hard all year and getting myself into a tonne of debt buying them all their presents, is that the fat **** with the beard gets all the credit on Christmas morning.
Though I guess it's my fault for marrying her!
...........................
The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
To be fair I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the football was on.
1. Good at breaking into houses
2. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace
3. Drives an unlicensed vehicle
4. Only does one days work a year
5. Wears red & white. .
Lapland my arse! He's a fucking scouser !
........................
I have two young children who still believe in Father Christmas. What I hate more than anything, after working hard all year and getting myself into a tonne of debt buying them all their presents, is that the fat **** with the beard gets all the credit on Christmas morning.
Though I guess it's my fault for marrying her!
...........................
The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
To be fair I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the football was on.
D
D
dronefromsector7g
Guest
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Man: Ten quid.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
-- Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:54 am --
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The bartender says no and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The irritated bartender says no, again, and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The bartender, angry now, says "Look, you've come in here three times asking if I've got any fish and I've told you no. If you come back in here one more time asking me, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar. Now get out! " The penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got a hammer?"
The bartender says no.
The penguin asks "Got any nails?"
The bartender says no.
The penguin asks "Got any fish?"
-- Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:57 am --
"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Owls."
"Owls who?"
"That's right, they do."<br /><br />-- Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:58 am --<br /><br />What do you call a blind deer?
No idea.
What do you call the same deer with no eyes nor legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call the same deer with no eyes, legs or penis?
Still no f--king idea.
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Man: Ten quid.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
-- Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:54 am --
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The bartender says no and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The irritated bartender says no, again, and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The bartender, angry now, says "Look, you've come in here three times asking if I've got any fish and I've told you no. If you come back in here one more time asking me, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar. Now get out! " The penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got a hammer?"
The bartender says no.
The penguin asks "Got any nails?"
The bartender says no.
The penguin asks "Got any fish?"
-- Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:57 am --
"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Owls."
"Owls who?"
"That's right, they do."<br /><br />-- Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:58 am --<br /><br />What do you call a blind deer?
No idea.
What do you call the same deer with no eyes nor legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call the same deer with no eyes, legs or penis?
Still no f--king idea.
Mommy, daddy and baby Moron put on their red hats and went for a walk in the bull's pasture.
The bull snorted and charged at them, so the Morons clambered onto a branch of a nearby tree.
The angry bull took a running start and charged into the tree. Daddy Moron fell off the branch and got stomped to death. The bull took another running start and charged the tree again. Mommy moron fell off the branch and she got stomped.
The bull bashed into the tree again. But baby Moron stayed fast. The bull crashed into the tree again and again and again. But the bull couldn't shake the baby Moron from the tree. At sundown, the bull gave up and went home, and baby Moron was saved.
Why didn't baby moron fall from the tree?
Because he was a little more on.
The bull snorted and charged at them, so the Morons clambered onto a branch of a nearby tree.
The angry bull took a running start and charged into the tree. Daddy Moron fell off the branch and got stomped to death. The bull took another running start and charged the tree again. Mommy moron fell off the branch and she got stomped.
The bull bashed into the tree again. But baby Moron stayed fast. The bull crashed into the tree again and again and again. But the bull couldn't shake the baby Moron from the tree. At sundown, the bull gave up and went home, and baby Moron was saved.
Why didn't baby moron fall from the tree?
Because he was a little more on.
brass neck
Well-Known Member
I said to the wife, "get your coat on". She said "Why are we going out" I said "no, I'm turning the central heating off"
Squelch
Well-Known Member
Earlier today on the news they said they'd discovered a cure for dyslexia.
Fantastic news. It was like music to my arse.
Fantastic news. It was like music to my arse.
Squelch
Well-Known Member
The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier.
"Stay there baby", she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you."
She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me.
...
"Wow love, that's a winning costume if ever I've seen one.", I told her, "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen.".
"I'm a nun, you cnut!"
"Stay there baby", she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you."
She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me.
...
"Wow love, that's a winning costume if ever I've seen one.", I told her, "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen.".
"I'm a nun, you cnut!"
brass neck
Well-Known Member
I have two young children who still believe in Father Christmas. What I hate more than anything, after working hard all year and getting myself into a tonne of debt buying them all their presents, is that the fat **** with the beard gets all the credit on Christmas morning.
Though I guess it's my fault for marrying her
Though I guess it's my fault for marrying her