Joke thread

foetus said:
A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
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This is a logistical nightmare.
 
My mate said to me, "I met a bloke today from Yorkshire."
"How do you know he was from Yorkshire," I said. "Did he tell you?"
"er, well no."
"Then he wasn't from Yorkshire."


Suicide bombers have today attacked Bradford city centre. Early estimates suggest they may have caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.

"Ay up stop reet there nah cocker afore I exterminate thee".
Fuck me. I've been threatened by a Yorkshire Dalek

Man goes into a vets in Yorkshire, with his cat in a basket.
The Vet asks "Is it a tom?" .
"Nay lad, 'ave got it ere in't basket".
 
foetus said:
A boy was on his way to school when he saw the words purple passion written on a wall. He had no idea what they meant, so when he got to school and the teacher asked if there were any questions, he raised his hand. When he was called upon he asked ,"What is purple passion?" His teacher screamed at him to go to the principal.

The principal asked him why he was there and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me here." "What are the words," the principal asked. "Purple passion," replied the boy. The principal freaked out and expelled him and told him to get out of the school.

At home is mother asked him why he had been expelled, and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me." "What are the words," his mother asked. "Purple passion," he said. His mom turned red and yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father.

When his dad got home he said to the boy, "So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today. Tell me what happened." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up here to wait for you. "Well, son, what are the words?" "Purple passion. "the boy replied. His father exploded and kicked him out of the house.

As he was wandering around he ran into some friends. They said, "What's going on, man? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out." "Wow, what are the words?" his friends asked. "Purple passion, "he replied. All of his friends jumped him and started beating him up until a bum came by and scared them off.

The bum said, "I just saved your life. Tell me why they were all beating you up." The boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up." "So what are the words," the bum asked. "I don't know if I should say" "Come on I just saved your life, don't be ungrateful, "the man remarked. "Okay, okay. The words were purple passion." The bum freaks out and starts beating the boy up until a cop comes along and breaks it up.

The cop asks the boy what happened. The boy says," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up." The cop said, "What were the words?" The boy replied, "Purple passion." "The cop put the boy into hand cuffs, beat him up, and took him to jail.

The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said," When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."

The judge said, "What were the words?" The boy said, "Haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you." The judge informed him that he would get into more trouble if he didn't just say the words so he said, "Purple passion." The judge was appalled and sentenced him to ten years in jail.


Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for and he said, "When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years."

Everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy said, "Purple passion. He spent the next ten years getting beat up.

The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. She said, "You look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?" So the man said, "When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and I just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."

"Oh that is just awful!" the woman exclaimed. "What were the words?" "Do you think I'm stupid!" exploded the man. "I'm not going to tell you the words." "Oh come on," the woman cooed. "I won't do anything to you." "Oh, alright. The words were purple passion." "Purple passion?"asked the woman with her eyes lit up. "Yes, "the man replied. "You see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour I will tell you the meaning of purple passion."

The man was ecstatic. He was finally going to learn what purple passion meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.

:)
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Brilliant.
 
Michael Barrymore has told the press how delighted he was to hear of Tom Daley's news - someone who takes up the shitter AND can swim.
 
DavidSilvasLeftFoot said:
My mate said to me, "I met a bloke today from Yorkshire."
"How do you know he was from Yorkshire," I said. "Did he tell you?"
"er, well no."
"Then he wasn't from Yorkshire."


Suicide bombers have today attacked Bradford city centre. Early estimates suggest they may have caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.

"Ay up stop reet there nah cocker afore I exterminate thee".
Fuck me. I've been threatened by a Yorkshire Dalek

Man goes into a vets in Yorkshire, with his cat in a basket.
The Vet asks "Is it a tom?" .
"Nay lad, 'ave got it ere in't basket".
Click to expand...
What's with the shit Yorkshire jokes? Although the last one was reet good.
 
corky1970 said:
you are both a pair of *****..one for writing it and taking 10 years off my life and one for saying its brilliant

I have the NSA on a search for you , they will find you..and kill you
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6abe4f58abcd3dced8c031d8752e043a72ca52193e52bccfd7584a7a555f85bb.jpg
 
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GORTON GIRL.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to... do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Gorton. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates..
 
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to the Algarve for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the Algarve only to find Jack sitting at the beach with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!
 
citymantop said:
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to the Algarve for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the Algarve only to find Jack sitting at the beach with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!
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Ashton-Kutcher-laughing.gif
 
citymantop said:
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to the Algarve for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the Algarve only to find Jack sitting at the beach with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!
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As they say the old ones are the best.
 
FFS

Some shite on here recently.....


Here's some more!


Be careful if you're driving past old trafford this week. A lot of people have picked up 3 points there recently.


Utd fans getting lots of credit after an impeccable 90 minutes silence for Nelson Mandela



Just bought a Manchester United sledge...
I've never gone downhill so fast in all my life!

And finally....

I joined a fisting club last week. It really widened my friends circle.
 
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