Joke thread

[Phil Meup]

Went to the doctors, telling him I kept seeing stars.
'You can take a picture' he said, 'but I charge for autographs....'

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

The FA are currently investigating match fixing at MUFC

They claim no team can actually get that shit so quickly.

 

[mrcunny]

I'm trying to sell all my dogging equipment on eBay I've not had any interest yet but I've got 20 watchers

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken!”

 

[Cellarite]

The African Dyslexia Society have laid a wreath at the Nissan Main Dealer.

 

[JoeMercer'sWay]

The African Dyslexia Society have laid a wreath at the Nissan Main Dealer.

like it.

 

[BimboBob]

Someone has just said to me "What's brown and stiff". I thought these Nelson Mandela jokes were getting a bit out of hand until I realised that he was talking about Tom Daley's cock.

 

[happy daze]

My small grandson managed to get himself lost when I took him to the trafford centre.
He approached one of the uniformed security people and said “I’ve lost my grandad”.
The guard said “what’s his name?”
“Grandad”
The guard tried again “What’s he like?”
The little shit hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Asbach brandy and women with big tits.”

 

[Barrablue]

There are some horrible b*stards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

 

[foetus]

There are some horrible b*stards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

22 posts in over 5 years. You belong in the thread for quiet people ;)

 

[Barrablue]

There are some horrible b*stards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

22 posts in over 5 years. You belong in the thread for quiet people ;)

Worth the wait though........

 

[hackneyslim]

There are some horrible b*stards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

that is very funny

I am going to endorse that too. Look forward to your next post...on Feb 12th, 2015, by my calculation.

 

[mrcunny]

Blackburn Rovers' DJ Campbell has just released a statement stating that he's 100% innocent and fully expects to be playing in his side's 4-0 loss next Saturday at Milwall.

 

[foetus]

Someone called me pretentious today, I almost choked on my latte.

 

[r.soleofsalford]

There are some horrible b*stards about. I heard a cat crying outside, so I opened my door and saw 4 blokes in Man United shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to call the RSPCA until the cat went 1-0 up.

now this did make me laugh 8-)

 

[Phil Meup]

A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a ****."

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

The kids from Manchester childrens hospital are going to old trafford today to cheer up the players.<br /><br />-- Fri Dec 13, 2013 9:48 am --<br /><br />David Moyes walks into a turkey farm,
" You'll be gone by Boxing day" said a turkey.

 

[Phil Meup]

I like your style Bigg Bigg Blue!
:)

 

[foetus]

My jimmy saville advent calendar is shit...the flaps only open from 1-16.

 

[blue12]

My jimmy saville advent calendar is shit...the flaps only open from 1-16.

Horribly sick but very funny .