Joke thread

foetus said:
BimboBob said:
foetus said:
389.gif

Don't even remember posting this...must've been after a few drinks
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Or you were hacked...
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Can't use that excuse....I don't have a housemate. My password isn't the easiest to crack either ;)
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is it kippax ?
 
Exam test blunders:-

Johns net pay is £150. His deductions are £38.
Q Work out Johns Gross pay
A The money he spends on porn magazines each week.

Q state one mandatory deduction from Johns pay
A Beer

Q State one voluntary deduction from Johns pay
A Tax


Name Britains highest award for bravery
A Probably Nelsons Column


What was the greatest threat to world peace during the 1980's
Probably Heavy Metal because it was very loud.


What happens during a census?
A man goes from house to house and increases the population

What were Jesus' closest group of followers known as?
The 12 Decibels


Explain the term "Free Press"
When your mum irons your trousers for you


Which artificial waterway runs from the Mediterranean to the Red Sea?
The Sewage Canal


Name the smaller rivers that flow into the Nile?
The juveniles

More to follow.
 
I remember when we were younger we were so poor that if on Christmas morning you didn't wake up with an erection you had fuck all to play with.
 
law74 said:
Exam test blunders:-

Johns net pay is £150. His deductions are £38.
Q Work out Johns Gross pay
A The money he spends on porn magazines each week.

Q state one mandatory deduction from Johns pay
A Beer

Q State one voluntary deduction from Johns pay
A Tax


Name Britains highest award for bravery
A Probably Nelsons Column


What was the greatest threat to world peace during the 1980's
Probably Heavy Metal because it was very loud.


What happens during a census?
A man goes from house to house and increases the population

What were Jesus' closest group of followers known as?
The 12 Decibels


Explain the term "Free Press"
When your mum irons your trousers for you


Which artificial waterway runs from the Mediterranean to the Red Sea?
The Sewage Canal


Name the smaller rivers that flow into the Nile?
The juveniles

More to follow.
Click to expand...

PLEASE DON'T! !
 
RadcliffeRick said:
law74 said:
Exam test blunders:-

Johns net pay is £150. His deductions are £38.
Q Work out Johns Gross pay
A The money he spends on porn magazines each week.

Q state one mandatory deduction from Johns pay
A Beer

Q State one voluntary deduction from Johns pay
A Tax


Name Britains highest award for bravery
A Probably Nelsons Column


What was the greatest threat to world peace during the 1980's
Probably Heavy Metal because it was very loud.


What happens during a census?
A man goes from house to house and increases the population

What were Jesus' closest group of followers known as?
The 12 Decibels


Explain the term "Free Press"
When your mum irons your trousers for you


Which artificial waterway runs from the Mediterranean to the Red Sea?
The Sewage Canal


Name the smaller rivers that flow into the Nile?
The juveniles

More to follow.
Click to expand...

PLEASE DON'T! !
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Been buying cheap crackers again have we....
 
Wayne Rooney likes to wear the number 10 shirt. Or, as he calls it, the stick and the circle.
 
So the other night I stumbled out of the local, utterly arseholed. I saw a guy stood at the bus stop and I slurred to him "Do you know which way is north?" He replied "Hang on, I have a compass on me." I frowned angrily. "I'm lost you fucking useless ****. A fucking compass? How is drawing a fucking circle going to help me get home?!"<br /><br />-- Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:10 pm --<br /><br />I went to hospital last night to give a urine sample. "Can you go in the cubicle please?" the nurse asked. I did so and then she rested a beaker on the desktop, which was bizarrely fifteen feet away on the other side of the room. "Fill it up in your own time, sir."
I frowned. "What? All the way from over here?"
"Yes, that's it."
"Are you being serious?"
"No, sir. I'm taking the piss."
 
Three_Hat-tricks said:
So the other night I stumbled out of the local, utterly arseholed. I saw a guy stood at the bus stop and I slurred to him "Do you know which way is north?" He replied "Hang on, I have a compass on me." I frowned angrily. "I'm lost you fucking useless ****. A fucking compass? How is drawing a fucking circle going to help me get home?!"

-- Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:10 pm --

I went to hospital last night to give a urine sample. "Can you go in the cubicle please?" the nurse asked. I did so and then she rested a beaker on the desktop, which was bizarrely fifteen feet away on the other side of the room. "Fill it up in your own time, sir."
I frowned. "What? All the way from over here?"
"Yes, that's it."
"Are you being serious?"
"No, sir. I'm taking the piss."
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You were a bit out of order in the first story after asking which way was North and then becoming aggressive when the chap offered to help with the most suitable device I can think of.

The second tale suggests a poor attitude from the nurse but you've got a bit of a reputation as a difficult man to deal with so that may have gone before you.
 
citykev28 said:
Three_Hat-tricks said:
So the other night I stumbled out of the local, utterly arseholed. I saw a guy stood at the bus stop and I slurred to him "Do you know which way is north?" He replied "Hang on, I have a compass on me." I frowned angrily. "I'm lost you fucking useless ****. A fucking compass? How is drawing a fucking circle going to help me get home?!"

-- Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:10 pm --

I went to hospital last night to give a urine sample. "Can you go in the cubicle please?" the nurse asked. I did so and then she rested a beaker on the desktop, which was bizarrely fifteen feet away on the other side of the room. "Fill it up in your own time, sir."
I frowned. "What? All the way from over here?"
"Yes, that's it."
"Are you being serious?"
"No, sir. I'm taking the piss."
Click to expand...

You were a bit out of order in the first story after asking which way was North and then becoming aggressive when the chap offered to help with the most suitable device I can think of.

The second tale suggests a poor attitude from the nurse but you've got a bit of a reputation as a difficult man to deal with so that may have gone before you.
Click to expand...
I concur. Maybe THt should seek some sort of professional help to improve his attitude, and therefore, his quality of life.
 
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
 
citykev28 said:
Three_Hat-tricks said:
So the other night I stumbled out of the local, utterly arseholed. I saw a guy stood at the bus stop and I slurred to him "Do you know which way is north?" He replied "Hang on, I have a compass on me." I frowned angrily. "I'm lost you fucking useless ****. A fucking compass? How is drawing a fucking circle going to help me get home?!"

-- Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:10 pm --

I went to hospital last night to give a urine sample. "Can you go in the cubicle please?" the nurse asked. I did so and then she rested a beaker on the desktop, which was bizarrely fifteen feet away on the other side of the room. "Fill it up in your own time, sir."
I frowned. "What? All the way from over here?"
"Yes, that's it."
"Are you being serious?"
"No, sir. I'm taking the piss."
Click to expand...

You were a bit out of order in the first story after asking which way was North and then becoming aggressive when the chap offered to help with the most suitable device I can think of.

The second tale suggests a poor attitude from the nurse but you've got a bit of a reputation as a difficult man to deal with so that may have gone before you.
Click to expand...

Obviously a Manchester bus driver.
 
sheikmedick said:
Schumacher : going downhill faster than united ;))))
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I seriously hope none of your family ever have a brain injury. I've had to live with the consequences twice and it's no joke.
 
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