Joke thread

[Fred_Quimby]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yerself . This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . .
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call".

 

[blue44]

 

[MCFCTrick]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …..
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??"

 

[SCEtoAUX]

My grandfather lived a life of poverty and died pennilies. He was an Elvis impersonator... during World War Two.

 

[Big Swifty]

His lordship is watching porn on his laptop and finds it so erotic that he gets a splendid erection, his first for ages.
He calls for his footman, who duly arrives.

"What do you think of this, Jenkins?" says his lordship, displaying his erect member.

"Congratulations, my lord", says the footman, imperturbably. "Shall I fetch her ladyship?"

"Her ladyship be buggered!" says the old peer. "Get the Rolls-Royce out! I'm taking this one into town!"

 

[horlock_was_super]

 

[dickie davies]

His lordship is watching porn on his laptop and finds it so erotic that he gets a splendid erection, his first for ages.
He calls for his footman, who duly arrives.

"What do you think of this, Jenkins?" says his lordship, displaying his erect member.

"Congratulations, my lord", says the footman, imperturbably. "Shall I fetch her ladyship?"

"Her ladyship be buggered!" says the old peer. "Get the Rolls-Royce out! I'm taking this one into town!"

Did the footman reply "it's OK my lord. My bike is outside "

 

[bladdered]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[blue44]