Joke thread

[manchester blue]

I farted in a lift the other day. That was wrong on so many levels.

I shagged a Chinese bird in a lift the other day. I realise I was fucking wong on so many levels.

Is the better version. :)

 

[jimharri]

Harry Redknapp has claimed he was driving Chris Huhne's car, as he's desperate for the three points.

Very good! That has been texted on!

 

[ChrisNUFC]

My neighbour's just banged on my door and shouted, "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident along the road and a RAG has been run over!"
I asked him "What's wrong with your own phone?"
He said, "The camera's crap on mine"


(Stolen and adapted from another site was originally about a Mackem)

 

[BackofJeanette]

My wife can manipulate the muscles in her fanny so it feels like ur getting a blow job ! Which is ironic because when she manipulates the muscles in her mouth she sounds like a Cnut!




Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to this women who was snoring grunting and farting............ At least I got home OK!!




Its emerged the only prem manager under investigation in the match fixing probe is David Moyes. A spokesman said "how one manager can be at the same club for so long and win fuck all needs to be looked into!'



I sat down to watch a porn film last night but it was just a picture of this fat bloke wanking. Then I realised I hadn't turned the fucking telly on.!!!




My wife left me because I kept having erections in inappropriate places. Like up her sister's arse...




Some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.

I was minding my own business then ..........bosch!




I watched my cock go in and out , in and out ,and in and out ..

It was getting wetter and wetter ..

All I could think was ...

Get in your fucking coop it's starting to rain ..

 

[BackofJeanette]

I was working in Tesco last night when I bumped into the lady I just started dating. I was re-arranging the washing powder in aisle 7 when she said "oi you told me you was a stunt pilot you lying bastard!" To which I replied

"No, I told you I was part of the Ariel display team ..."

 

[woodieMCFC]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The farmer accidentally left the gate open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.

 

[Carstairs]

Newcastle and Las Vegas.

The two places on Earth where you can pay for sex with chips.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Me and the missus have split-up, but, we arguing who should look after our little girl. We decided that the little girl should chose who she wants to live with.

She chose her mum.

On hearing this, the sarcastic cow flicked the v's at me, and called me a loser.

So I threw a trifle in her face.





She got custardy

 

[samharris]

Man was driving down a motorway feeling groggy from a heavey night when his wife rang him on the hands free, "hello luv,It just said on the radio that theres one stupid coont driving the wrong way down your motorway !!! so best be careful"
The man quickly replied " one !!! theres fucking hundreds of em".<br /><br />-- Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:31 pm --<br /><br />

A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some shopping. all of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" to which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."

very good

Why dont blind people skydive.. cos it frightens their dogs.

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

County council pot hole repair