Joke thread

What is a bigamist? A large fog over Italy.

Lynx have made a new scent for men, it's called "bread crumbs" ... The bird's are gonna love it.

I got arrested, the policeman said "Get in the back of the van" So I got in, it was full of freezers and there was a machine called Mr. Whippy. He said "Not that van."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I went into a pet shop and asked the assistant "Have you got any dogs going cheap?
He replied, "Sorry sir all ours go woof."

I just had a shave with a Bic. It was a daft idea, my face is covered in ink now.

I love watching videos of calm lakes and flowing rivers on the internet. In fact I'm watching a live stream right now.

:)
 
Don't be mean to fatties...They've got a lot on their plates.

My sex addiction councillor told me that she thinks I should no longer see women as sexual objects and I should have respect for them as equals. Sounds like she wants a good shag if you ask me.

If you've never tried archery whilst blindfolded, you should. You don't know what you're missing.
 
The best bit about fighting is the make-up sex. That's why I hate arguing with my dad.

I got struck off as a vet when I put a healthy dog down because it pissed on my wrist, as I gave the injection I screamed at it "You're not getting away with that! NOT ON MY WATCH!"

I got a phone call from the headmaster "You're son has been found with cocaine in his pocket. Do you have an idea where he might have got it from?"
I said "Probably his grandfather, he used to take cocaine to school at that age too."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
What is a bigamist? A large fog over Italy.

Lynx have made a new scent for men, it's called "bread crumbs" ... The bird's are gonna love it.

I got arrested, the policeman said "Get in the back of the van" So I got in, it was full of freezers and there was a machine called Mr. Whippy. He said "Not that van."

bravo
 
if you think that's bad...

I've moped around all day today...I love my new moped.

I met a homeless guy who thought he was 007, he said "The name's Bond...Vagabond."

Growing up I was raised by my nan, she's bloody great at poker

When I lived in Frankfurt the German Shepherd from next door always took a shit my garden. It was even worse when his dog started doing it.

When my divorce got finalized my wife threw an open tin of Ambrosia at me. It's alright though, I got custardy.
 
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."
 
I attempted to swim the channel yesterday - was so tired half way across I gave up and turned around.


BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have cancelled Marouane Fellaini's Birthday Celebrations and crossed their fingers..
 
I was walking in the park when I spotted a dog with a football. I ran at him and did a sliding tackle. I won the ball but I caught the dog's legs too. I got fined £1000. I didn't see the "No Dog Fouling" sign.

I met my mate in the pub last night for some serious drinking...We sat there in our suits and frowned the whole time.

Manslaughter is so much fun!.... I also like to hear women giggle too
 
Just bought my son a goldfish for £72 at the fair. There's nothing special about it. I'm just really shit at darts.

My girlfriend complains that I'm too posh. So I took her to the fun fair to ride on the dodge thems.

After my dad died suddenly we all went round to the solicitors to read out the details of his estate.
We'll probably just sell his 2 litre Ford Mondeo.

My mate was whining all day at me about how he couldn't harvest fruit in his garden. I said "For Christ's sake! Grow a pear!"
 
My girlfriend of mine once finished with me just because I hid her wheelchair for a prank.
She eventually came crawling back to me though
 
My mate said to me "I hate interpreters." I said "Speak for yourself."

My mate told me that he thinks I plagiarize too much...My words not his.

My dad gave me some sound advice last night. He told me to turn the music down.
 
"Priceless works of art go up in smoke: Glasgow art college."

The Mayor has assured Glaswegians that "Tennents and special brew" will be replaced promptly.....
 
Tuearts right boot said:
crazyg said:
foetus said:
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and next morning, Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. She wrote:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"
Nnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!


But I like it.


Not sure about anyone else on here but I sort of saw that coming about line 3
I thought i saw it coming about 1983
 
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Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.

My mate said "Do you fancy going on charity run with me?"
I said "Sure, why not."
He said "It's all uphill, but it's only 5k"
I said "Fuck me that's a bit steep."

My wife is a heavy sleeper. The fat bitch has broke 6 beds in 10 years.
 

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