joke thread....

bennyblue

Well-Known Member
Joined
20 Jan 2010
Messages
2,422
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. I thought that's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier
I think.


A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part
in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking
part."


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!
 

BackofJeanette

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Joined
20 Apr 2011
Messages
1,346
Following tests after the Southampton and Man City game, it has been revealed that parts of the City team were found to contain 100% donkey.



My new girlfriend seeing my cock for the first time said, "It's like a Findus Lasagne!"

"You mean I'm hung like a horse?" I smiled.

"No, it's covered in cheese."





"Why don't you shave all your pubes off, love?" she said, handing me the razor. "It will make your cock look massive."

Bit forward, I thought, for a vasectomy nurse.




Tonight's the night I get to try anal for the first tine ..

That's the beauty of being a rapist, you can plan ahead with 100 percent certainty..
 

jamiegrimble

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Joined
1 Oct 2009
Messages
2,520
I told my grown up kids,Its time to watch what they eat.So they bought Tickets for this years Grand National.
Just opened a packet of Tesco Burgers and there off.
 

Tuearts right boot

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Joined
26 Feb 2011
Messages
13,245
Location
Halfway up a mountain,bumfuck nowhere,Snowdonia.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives,

and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years.

Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven,

somehow you must let me know if there's cricket there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike,

you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible,

I'll try to do this for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later,

Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of

white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news, but

a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's cricket in heaven.

Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.

Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're Captain on Sunday."
 

glossop is blue

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Joined
7 Jan 2010
Messages
950
I sat down to watch a porn film last night but it was just a fat bloke wanking. Then I realised I hadn't turned the fuckin telly on!!
 

glossop is blue

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Joined
7 Jan 2010
Messages
950
Got the wife a pug dog as a present the other day..... Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat. The dog seems to like her!!
 

supermario

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Joined
18 Aug 2010
Messages
601
Flipping hell its pancake day today!...really creped up on me this year....not that i give a toss!




Not sure if it classifies as a joke or not...
 

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