Joke thread

A lady walked into a Police Station and the Desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds like a cricketer to me, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer". “That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "did you figure that out because of his accent?"
"No", she replied, " because he wasn't in very long"
 
Zuriblue said:
A lady walked into a Police Station and the Desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds like a cricketer to me, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer". “That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "did you figure that out because of his accent?"
"No", she replied, " because he wasn't in very long"
Click to expand...

No No No, on every level NO. I left this thread and went onto the main pages before thinking that I had to come back and leave a comment, and that is NO.


and no I am not Australian.


Ok Ok I laughed.
 
the heavy breather rings, woman answers.

I bet you have a tight c--- with no hair

woman says `yes, he's watching TV, who shall I say is calling
 
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.

The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
 
foetus said:
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.

The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
Click to expand...

side splitter
 
the mystery illness said:
side splitter
Click to expand...

I-dont-believe-you.gif
 
foetus said:
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.

The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
Click to expand...

CHRIST, that's funny!!
 
idahoblues said:
the heavy breather rings, woman answers.

I bet you have a tight c--- with no hair

woman says `yes, he's watching TV, who shall I say is calling
Click to expand...
I covered my mouth but II couldn't disguise my shaking shoulders. I'm on train, looking a bit like I've slipped my carer
 
The parrot one reminded me of this:

A magician has been doing the same routine on a cruise liner for years. One of his tricks involves producing a parrot from his hat and then it sitting on his shoulder for the rest of the show. One day, the parrot has had enough of the same tricks night after night and starts queering the act. "It's up his sleeve!" and "it's behind the curtain" he'd shout and the magician is getting proper pissed off. Then right in the middle of the act, there is a big bang as the ship's engine explodes and the boat sinks.

The magician is cast adrift with just his parrot for company. All through the first day of being adrift, the parrot says nowt, just stares at the magician. Day two passes and the parrot has still said nothing, just stares at the magician. Finally, on day three, after a few more hours of what seems like unbearable silence and impenetrable staring, the parrot says "all right, I give up; how did you make the ship disappear?"
 
the mystery illness said:
foetus said:
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.

The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
Click to expand...

side splitter
Click to expand...

That reminds me of a similar joke. A parrot cant stop swearing but the pet store bloke says, put him in a freezer for a few mins, if that doesnt work, put him back in for half an hour, the bird comes out and the guy says are you gonna stop swearing now and the parrot says, "YEP, BUT I HAVE ONE QUESTION.....WHAT THE FCUK DID THAT CHICKEN DO WRONG!!"
 
StrangewaysHereWeCome said:
idahoblues said:
the heavy breather rings, woman answers.

I bet you have a tight c--- with no hair

woman says `yes, he's watching TV, who shall I say is calling
Click to expand...
I covered my mouth but II couldn't disguise my shaking shoulders. I'm on train, looking a bit like I've slipped my carer
Click to expand...



Sitting in Munich airport with tears running down my face. Getting some strange looks you bastard
 
Bloke walks into a variety act agents office and says " book the pallaidium ,ive got the best farmyard impressions in the world we'll make a fortune"..

The agent used to this sort of crap says "go on then give me your best farmyard impression".
The bloke stood up and holding his hands to the side of his mouth shouted at the top of his voice " Oi you little bastard,get off that fucking tractor".
 
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