Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

[Lavinda Past]

At a communist rally...

"Comrades, the capitalist is a greedy exploiter. The owner of your factory is just sucking your lifeblood out every day to rake in his profits.”

A voice from the crowd says:

“I don’t see our owner that way at all. He’s the sort of person who’ll stop his Rolls-Royce on a cold, rainy night and give you a lift. He’ll let you take a hot bath and then sit with him on the sofa in front of the fire. He’ll treat you to as much brandy as you like and then he’ll let you sleep in his own bed.”

“Wait, comrade. Are you saying that this happened to you personally?”

“Well, no, but it happened to my sister.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

I bought an Ikea wardrobe from Bonnie Tyler a few weeks ago.

It looks great in my bedroom but every now and then it falls apart.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My friend has got a conjoined uncle on his mother's side.

 

[Big Swifty]

My friend has got a conjoined uncle on his mother's side.

Noah receives a visitation from God. The conersation runs thus:

God: Noah, I want you to build me an ark.
Noah: Yes, Lord, like the one I built when we had the gerat flood?
God: Well, this is a bit different. I want it built ten decks high.
Noah: And you want me to fill it with animals, two by two?
God: No, I want want you to fill it with my favourite endangered golden carp.
Noah: Let me get this traight. You want an ark ten decks high filled with golden carp?
God: Pretty much, yes.
Noah: I never heard of such a thing!
God: You mean you never heard of a multi=storey carp-Ark?

 

[Lavinda Past]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a quid between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.

Murphy says are You mad? Now we're skint!

'Come on' says Paddy 'follow me'.

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it.

The Barman goes berserk and throws them out.

10 pubs and 10 pints later, Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my knees are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think I feel? Says Paddy... 'I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in...'

 

[Lavinda Past]

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb in my basement?

Obviously more than four as its still fucking dark down there.

Reply

 

[lefty goldblatt]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Teacher asks kids about their dad.

One kid proudly says my dad’s a soldier. He’s got a uniform and a pistol too.

Next kid says my dad doesn’t work. He gets his dole on Thursday and he’s on the piss till two.

 

[A57 the snake]

View attachment 121128

As jokes go on here ..that’s a forty yard screamer !!!