Joke thread

A noted psychiatrist invited questions from the audience at a seminar in Dublin.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Paddy asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them... Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

Paddy thought for a moment, then said

"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you...? I don't know much about history."
 
A bloke goes Royal Mail for a job interview.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the armed forces?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points! Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"


"This is the Royal Mail," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, so there's no point in you coming in for that."
 
"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary..." the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a bare finger right up the rectum of the body on the table... "You mustn't be squeamish."

He removed his finger and then stuck it straight into his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do exactly the same.

Twenty students followed his instructions, stuck their fingers in right up to the knuckle, and then stuck the finger in their mouth.

The teacher said, "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is very close attention to detail...

I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."

The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.

"The third thing you should know," said the man lying on the table, "Is that I'm not dead."
 
There is a horrible crash on the M62 and 50 scousers are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.

"Can we come in?" one of the scousers asks.

Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.

"You all seem to have caused a lot of hassle in your lives... This is far too big for me to decide" says Saint Peter, and he turns around and walks to God for his answer,

"What is it you want" God asks.

"There are 50 scousers outside the golden gates trying to get in, should I let them in or not?" asks Peter

Gid replies, "I forgive them all, they are all my children and I will let them stay in the holy land"

With that, Peter goes back to tell the 50 scousers.

As God looks on, he sees Peter come sprinting back towards him, screaming.

"They're gone, they're gone" he shrieked

"The travelers?" God asked

"No, the golden gates!" says Peter.
 
Lavinda Past said:
There is a horrible crash on the M62 and 50 scousers are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.

"Can we come in?" one of the scousers asks.

Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.

"You all seem to have caused a lot of hassle in your lives... This is far too big for me to decide" says Saint Peter, and he turns around and walks to God for his answer,

"What is it you want" God asks.

"There are 50 scousers outside the golden gates trying to get in, should I let them in or not?" asks Peter

Gid replies, "I forgive them all, they are all my children and I will let them stay in the holy land"

With that, Peter goes back to tell the 50 scousers.

As God looks on, he sees Peter come sprinting back towards him, screaming.

"They're gone, they're gone" he shrieked

"The travelers?" God asked

"No, the golden gates!" says Peter.
Click to expand...
The first line was the only funny bit
 
Lavinda Past said:
A noted psychiatrist invited questions from the audience at a seminar in Dublin.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Paddy asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them... Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

Paddy thought for a moment, then said

"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you...? I don't know much about history."
Click to expand...
That fecker Paddy, keeps turning up in here.
Do you know where he’s from. Doesn’t sound like a local.
 
Lavinda Past said:
There is a horrible crash on the M62 and 50 scousers are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.

"Can we come in?" one of the scousers asks.

Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.

"You all seem to have caused a lot of hassle in your lives... This is far too big for me to decide" says Saint Peter, and he turns around and walks to God for his answer,

"What is it you want" God asks.

"There are 50 scousers outside the golden gates trying to get in, should I let them in or not?" asks Peter

Gid replies, "I forgive them all, they are all my children and I will let them stay in the holy land"

With that, Peter goes back to tell the 50 scousers.

As God looks on, he sees Peter come sprinting back towards him, screaming.

"They're gone, they're gone" he shrieked

"The travelers?" God asked

"No, the golden gates!" says Peter.
Click to expand...
That upset me.

Apparently it was a 53 seater bus and there were 3 empty seats.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top
✖
  AdBlock Detected
Bluemoon relies on advertising to pay our hosting fees. Please support the site by disabling your ad blocking software to help keep the forum sustainable. Thanks.