Joke thread

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week my donkey kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!" says the first man. "So were the people there to pay their final respects?"

"No," says the second man. "Once news started to spread about the incident, men from all over the county started coming over asking if they could borrow my donkey."
 
Police in Wales have published results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

The results were announced last night in Cardiff Central Library, where the amnesty took place, and are already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the amnesty comprised of:

120 knives and swords including custom-made blades, 70 handguns, and 10 'AK-47' fully automatic assault rifles.

In a short statement to press, a town spokesman described the public reaction as being one of humility and shock, as none of them knew there was a library in Cardiff.
 
Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.

"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.

The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."

Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."

With that the boy breaks down and sobs.

He starts going on and on about his troubles.

His mother is dying of cancer and can't work.

They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms.

They haven't eaten in days.

Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner.

He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news.

Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it.

"So I came here and just cried," he finished.

Mr. Smith was shocked.

Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy.

He could solve this boy's problems with a single cheque.

But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was.

As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...

"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"

"My name is Johnny." The boy said.

"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."

Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"

"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.

Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman.

Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back.

When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.

"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."

The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back.

Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't.

With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.

The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.

"Yes, Sir" said Johnny.

And Johnny dove into the water.

This time he was swimming a bit slower.

He seemed to be pacing himself.
Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew.

What a perfect end to a perfect trip.

He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.

Johnny made it to the ship.

Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast.

Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip!

Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...

But Johnny was ok.....He was used to hardships.
 
Lavinda Past said:
A bloke really hated his wife’s tomcat. One day, when his wife left for work, he decided he was finally getting rid of it.

He put the cat in a bag, drove to a nearby forest, and released it. When he returned home, the cat was sitting in front of the door, waiting to be let in.

The bloke was really annoyed but decided to wait a few more days. When his wife left for work again, once more he put the cat in a bag, drove farther away from home this time, and released it.

He came home… and shortly after him, the cat came home too and started meowing in front of the door to be let in.

By that time, the bloke was furious but he waited a few more days. When his wife left for work again, once more he put the cat in a bag, and this time drove 10 miles straight, 20 miles to the left, 15 miles to the right, then straight, then right, then left, then right, left, straight, left, right…

After more than 200 miles he stopped and released the cat.

In the evening, the home phone rang. The wife was already back from work, so she picked it up. On the other side was her husband.

“Oh, honey, it’s you?!” she asked in dismay. “Where are you??”

The bloke was absolutely fuming and could barely speak. “Is the cat at home?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“Yes,” his wife replied. “He came home five minutes ago. Why?”

“Put the fucker on the phone! I'm lost!!”
Click to expand...
Brilliant.
 
An English couple have a son. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that he is German. The doctors told them that this should not be a problem and there is nothing to worry about.

As the child grows older, the parents dress the child in lederhosen and give him a pudding bowl haircut, and all his basic functions develop normally.

The child can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason he never speaks.

The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom.

Years pass. The child enters its teens, and still he is not speaking, though in all other respects he is fully functional. The child's mother is especially distressed by this, but continues to conceal her sadness.

One day she makes the child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player.

Soon, the child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid."

The mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?"

"Because, mother," answers child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
 
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