Joke thread

A Russian man comes up to Red Square and screams "Stalin is a wanker"

The police arrest the man and he is later sentenced to 25 years and 6 days of prison time

He hears the judgement and inquires about the weird serving time to the judge.

The judge says "You get 6 days for swearing in public and 25 years for revealing state secrets"
 
An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery and says to the doctor

"Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the man's bottom.

"Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man.

"No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?"

So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes.

The doctor then sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on.

"So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?"

"I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
 
In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I want to ask you something that's bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth...is Aiden really my son?"

Mary says "Seamus, as God is my witness I swear on all that's good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child."

With that Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world.

Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face and said:

"Whew...thank God he didn't ask about the other three!"
 
A German man wanted to buy a train ticket to visit his friend in Naples.

He goes to the Italian ticket agent and buys the ticket, but explains that he wants to reserve a seat facing the direction that the train was going.

The Italian ticket agent hands the German his ticket, and he boards the train.

To his discomfort, he finds that his assigned seat is facing the opposite the direction of the train.

After a long journey, he gets off in Naples and meets his friend, who asks him how the ride was.

"It was awful," says the German man, "I was given a reverse seat, and now I feel absolutely nauseous."

"I'm sorry to hear that," says the friend, "did you try explaining the situation and asking the person sitting across from you if they were willing to switch seats?"

"I would have," said the German man, "but unfortunately the seat across from me was empty."
 
A man on the train has to poo. He goes to the toilet but someone is using it.

He goes back five minutes later, it’s still engaged.

He goes back again later, it is still being use.

He can’t wait any longer so he drops his pants and sticks his bum out of the window.

This happens just as the train is pulling into a station and the conductor on the platform yells out “Will the bald man with the cigar in his mouth please pull his head back in the window”
 
Lavinda Past said:
A German man wanted to buy a train ticket to visit his friend in Naples.

He goes to the Italian ticket agent and buys the ticket, but explains that he wants to reserve a seat facing the direction that the train was going.

The Italian ticket agent hands the German his ticket, and he boards the train.

To his discomfort, he finds that his assigned seat is facing the opposite the direction of the train.

After a long journey, he gets off in Naples and meets his friend, who asks him how the ride was.

"It was awful," says the German man, "I was given a reverse seat, and now I feel absolutely nauseous."

"I'm sorry to hear that," says the friend, "did you try explaining the situation and asking the person sitting across from you if they were willing to switch seats?"

"I would have," said the German man, "but unfortunately the seat across from me was empty."
Click to expand...
Very true.
We went to Jesolo near Venice a couple of years ago in late September. The hotel gave us a a ticket for two sunbeds at the beach across the road, we went one day and the beach was pretty much deserted with hundreds of empty sun beds. We got settled and about ten minutes later a German couple came up and said we were using their sun beds. I checked the ticket and he was correct but we asked why they couldn't use another pair as there were dozens all aorund where we were. He insisted that we moved??
 
Russian jokes…

Diplomat at the end of the 2nd world war charged with re-drawing national borders in Eastern Europe is surveying the countryside. A farm appears to straddle the proposed frontier, so the diplomat asks the farmer: “Which side of the border do you want your farm to be in? The Russian side or the Polish side?”

Farmer straightaway says: “Polish.”

“Why’s that?” asks the diplomat. “Why so sure?”

The farmer shudders and says: “I couldn’t stand another Russian winter.”
 
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