Joke thread

[HorlocksWalk]

View attachment 130779

Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?

Cos if it pulled the other one up it would fall flat on its beak

 

[Grassland Blue]

The first time I visited Berlin was in the summer of 1993.

Obviously, the Wall had fallen more than three and a half years earlier, but the divisions in the city were still clear.

It was a visit that changed my life.

I recall the railway station signs in Gothic script.
Also the border posts.
I love Saxony.

 

[ray21]

.

 

[bladdered]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her all about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was at the airport waiting for my bags when I saw an old man faint and fall on the luggage carousel.

I was worried, but he eventually came around.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

Thinking it might be British Airways he says, questioningly "The world's favourite airline?"

The woman looks at him quizically, but says nothing and goes back to her drink.

Thinking it might be Singapore Airlines, he says "A better way to fly?"

Again she looks at him, but says nothing, and goes back to her drink.

So he thinks "Maybe it's Thai Airlines. Their tagline is "As smooth as silk"

So he says to her "As smooth as silk?"

The woman turns to him, and says very aggressively "What the F**k do you want?"

To which he says "Ahhhhh....RyanAir!".

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man goes on Holiday in Spain.

After exploring the Spanish country he decides to get a tattoo, and gets a bull on his arm.

A few days later, he is on a tour with a guide, when the guide says "hey, that looks swollen,"

The man replies "really?! Do you know anywhere I can get treated?"

The tour guide responds "yeah, I know a guy."

The man says "I didn't know you had people so specialised,"

And the guide responds "of course, no one expects the Spanish ink physician"

 

[horlock_was_super]

View attachment 130802

I would.

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

I would.

So would I