Joke thread

My Indian friend had to go to the doctors last week as he had terrible stomachache.
The thing is he likes his food cooked in the tandoor, (clay oven), curries, pizzas, naan bread are all cooked in there, amongst other things.
The doctor said to my mate that becausei he liked his food cooked in the tandoor, he had obviously been eating bits of clay with his food.
THe doctor also said that if my friend hadn't visited when he did that he probably would have died in only a week or two.
On hearing that news, my mate was shitting bricks......
 
Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...

The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.

The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!"
"Correct," said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.

The teacher called on him one last time, "Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 3rd child?"

The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"
 
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A crew from a television show wanted to interview the world's oldest living person for an upcoming show. After weeks of searching, they learn about a man in a remote Russian village who is 120 years old.

They go to this village and start to interview this old man. They ask "Can you tell us a funny story about something that has happened to you?"

The old man replied "There was a woman who went missing in the woods long ago. We assembled a party and began searching for the woman, bringing along a couple boxes of vodka. We found the woman after a couple of days, drank the vodka, fucked the woman, and came back to the village."

A little disturbed, the interviewer asked the man "Can you tell us a different story?" and the man replies "Of course. There was a cow that went missing a long time ago. We assembled a party and searched for the cow, bringing a couple boxes of vodka. We found the cow, fucked it, and came back to the village."

Entirely disgusted, the interviewer asked "What was the *worst* story of what has happened to you?", thinking that the man would come out with something that is remotely funny and appropriate.

The old man then says "So I got lost in the woods a couple of years ago..."
 
Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members when one of them sneezes

"Who was it?", asks Stalin.

No answer.

"WHO WAS IT?!", he demands, even louder.

Still no answer.

Then he gets up and walks to the front of the theatre. He demands all the people in the front row to stand up. They promptly did.

"Was it one of you?", he asks.

No answer.

"Shoot all of them." His guards shoot all of them.

Then he moves on to the second row.

"Was it one of you?", he asks.

No answer.

"Shoot all of them." The guards shoot all of them.

Then he moves on to the third row.

"Was it one of you?", he asks.

Before anyone could stand up, a young man stands up trembling and shaking and weakly replies, "I... it was me... Com... Comrade Stalin."

Stalin turns towards him and says, "Bless you, comrade."
 
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