Joke thread

Here’s one for all you lawyers out there.
My friend, a male model, won the men’s ‘Rear of the Year’ title, but he didn’t mean to.
 
Oprah goes to the doctors'.
"What seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Well I've got a bit of a bad throat".

"Ok. Well I want you to take off all your clothes and kneel over there by the big Yucca", he says.

"Ok, now go and kneel underneath the window", he instructs.

"Right, thank you", says the doctor.
"You can get dressed again now and I will prescribe a short course of anti-biotics for you".

"Oh, and you had me strip off and kneel down to make that diagnosis?"

The Dr. laughs and says, "No, no. That had nothing to do with my assessment of your ailment, but between you and me I am taking delivery of a new sofa next week and I wanted a rough idea of how it would look....."
 
A girl gets invited on a date... "Mum, can I go to the movies with my friend Todd?”

“What kind of movie are you going to see?" said her mother.

"A horror movie," the girl said.

"No, you can't," said the mother.

"Well, what about a romantic movie ?" the girl asked

"You can’t,” her mother replied. “You’ll start kissing.”

"Well, what about a comedy?” asked the daughter.

"That’s fine,”said her mother.

When her daughter came home from the cinema, her mother asked “How was it?”

The girl said, “It was really funny! If Todd hadn't kept his hand between my legs, I would’ve peed myself!”
 
This simple maths test can accurately predict your favourite film.

- Pick a number between 1 and 9.
- Multiply by 3
- Add 3 to that number
- Multiply by 3 again
- Add the two digits together

Now discover your favourite film!

1. Oliver Twist
2. Saving Private Ryan
3. Gone with the Wind
4. Star Wars
5. Jaws
6. The Godfather
7. Citizen Kane
8. Pulp Fiction
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep and Oiled-Up Grandpas
10. Forrest Gump
Didn’t even need the test, number 9, all the way ;-)
 

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