Joke thread

[noblelord]

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[noblelord]

A naive 16 year old girl asked her mother if her friend Todd could take her to the cinema. She said what kind of film? The girl replied horror. The mother said "No they're all evil. What else is showing?" The girl said chick flick romantic. The mother said "No - might give Todd ideas! What else?" The girl said comedy. Ma replied "Well I guess that would be all right then."

On her daughter's return the mother asked "How was the film honey?" She replied "Mum it was so funny. I laughed so hard I thought I'd peed myself. But Todd was the perfect gentleman - he kept putting his hand between my legs to stop it happening."

That one’s on the previous page

 

[Lavinda Past]

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of biscuits this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke just sat down next to me on the train... He's sweating profusely, wearing strange clothes and has a backpack...

I'm absolutely shitting myself.... I think he might be a cyclist.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man encounters a genie...

The genie tells him: "OK, you get two wishes."

The man replies, "I thought it was three wishes?"

The genie says: "Check your pants mate, I've been doing this a long time."

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just watched a documentary about what happens to your body when you wake up

It was eye-opening.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My neighbour only ever gardens with his eyes closed.

His hedge trimming is impressive, but the way he cuts grass is totally blind mowing.

 

[Lavinda Past]

What's the difference between and Indian and an African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

 

[Lavinda Past]

Because of melting glaciers, mountaineers have had to ascend Mount Everest by an alternate route.

A clear indication of climb it change.