Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

My mate just phoned me in tears.

His wife just left him taking his Bob Marley CDs and the satellite dish.

Poor bastard.

No woman no sky

 

[Lavinda Past]

My Dad never gave anyone any shit.

Lovely bloke, rubbish manure salesman.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke in a yellow jersey just pedalled past me on the autoroute from Calais.

His face was twitching like mad and he was going one hell of a speed, chased by a pack of cyclists all screaming "fuck you, ****, wanker, bastard, prick..."

I think it was the Tourettes de France.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but;

Imagine there's no heav - imagine there's no heav - imagine there's no heav - imagine there's no heav-

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was in a restaurant in Paris and ordered the 'Napoleon Chicken.'

When the dish arrived, I was surprised to find very little meat on it, and it was mainly carcass.

I asked the waiter why, and he said 'We only use the 'Boneypart'

 

[Lavinda Past]

"Emma from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." Paddy said to his wife.

"That's great," she beamed, "So, what did she have?"

Paddy replied, "One of those flip Samsungs."

 

[Lavinda Past]

#Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak somewhere in this town.#

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I think the jail might be a good shout.

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

 

[noblelord]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's wife left him yesterday because of his obsession with the Beatles.

He heard that she's staying with her sister on the Isle of Wight, so he's going there to beg her to come hone.

He told me he's got a ticket to Ryde.