Joke thread

[citymad]

I went to my local district nurse who said i had a severe rash on my balls. She said your going to have to stop wanking, I said Why, she said cos Im trying to examine you!!


I just got knocked off my bike by a lorry salting the roads. FUCK YOU I screamed through gritted teeth!!

My mate said Your always pushing me around and talking behind my back, I said your in a wheelechair you dick head!!

I said to my son "where you going"
He said"Im off to meet a girl"
I said "Dont forget to wear a...you know"
He said, "do you mean a condom"
I said "no, a fucking hat you ginger cnut!"

Superb stuff bn

 

[tommyhair]

An oldie from Chubby.
"Talking to an old girlfried of mine the other week.Next minute i says ""hang on I smell cock around here"".
She says "sorry Chubby that`ll be me.I`ve just belched !!"

Oh dear

 

[Pearcey]

Madeline McCann's Dad is the new favourite for the England managers job.

He's only lost one in Europe.

 

[mdmcfc]

Got my sleeping tablets and Viagra all messed up.... ended up having 40 wanks

 

[BackofJeanette]

"I love you," I slurred as I phoned my wife from the pub.

"I love you too," came the reply.
"When I get back, I'm going to bury my head in your pussy," I continued.

"Three things, Brian," she replied. "1 - You've got the wrong number,
2 - this is your mother and 3 -
the last time your face was in my pussy was 40 years ago and I shit on your head.

Goodnight."<br /><br />-- Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:48 pm --<br /><br />Woman meets a man in a bar & goes back to his place. During the night she notices 3 rows of teddy bears on shelves in his bedroom.
Bottom shelf has small bears, middle shelf bigger bears & large bears on the top. She thinks he must be sensitive & could be the one. All night she fucks him, sucks him & takes it up the arse 4 him,
In morning she asks him 'How was I?'
He replies 'not fucking bad at all, help yourself to any prize off the middle shelf...!

 

[gaudinho's stolen car]

"Due to my fame I have a large homosexual following. I have to walk quite slowly so he can keep up."

(This is a quote by the way, I'm not actually famous).

 

[mrcunny]

Wife came home from work to find husband sitting watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else" she said "I'm also seeing someone else he's younger than you, hansome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything i ask, has a 9inch cock, fucks me every day hard and dirty till i cant take anymore" "really?" the husband replied "what team does he support?"

 

[Laurent Charvet]

Knock Knock ...

Knock Knock ...

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock

Hurry up Whitney, I need the toilet.

 

[BackofJeanette]

3 men captured by female savages, are told their dicks would be removed, in a manner appropriate to their jobs. 1st was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off, 2nd was a butcher, so his would be sliced off. 3rd man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny.

He replied 'I work for dyson!"

 

[jimharri]

The bartender says: "You can't bring that time machine in here!"

A man walks into a bar.

 

[al67]

My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Running away."

"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?"

"Errrrrrr.....Spain" he replied.

"Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"

He said, "I don't know, mummy didn't say."

 

[xenon_]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach...? It's not hard

Statistically, 5 out of 6 people enjoy gang rape.....................

Too far...? I'll get my coat

 

[al67]

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face.

 

[jimharri]

Two Liverpool fans are standing outside Wembley.

One says, "Here we are La, this must be it".

His friend turns round and says, "Hah Joey; this isn't it, I came to Wembley the last time we reached a cup final and it looked nothing like this.

 

[citymantop]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the f----ing ship?"

 

[mrcunny]

My bird took a pregnancy test today and my worst fears were realised. She's just a fat ****.

 

[Dicko69]

for years i thought my wife had tourettes

but apparently she really does think i'm a **** and wants me to fuck off

 

[Tuearts right boot]

History of the condom.....

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the
intestine out of the sheep first.

 

[lewisMCFC]

Wife came home from work to find husband sitting watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else" she said "I'm also seeing someone else he's younger than you, hansome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything i ask, has a 9inch cock, fucks me every day hard and dirty till i cant take anymore" "really?" the husband replied "what team does he support?"

Hahaha thats fucking quality

 

[i kne albert davy]

I was watchin an 18 film with my little boy earlier.He said,Daddy i'm getting scared is that lady going to die?I said probably son judging by the size of that horse's cock!