Joke thread

[buzzer1]

Said to the wife, "now,what dya want for Crizzy yer' fat cow", so she said "hey,don't get fkin lippy", so i said " ok love, just the mascara and hairstraighteners then".

 

[blumoon]

"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder while you're out?", my wife has just asked.

"Can you not wait until you've opened your presents tomorrow?", I replied.

 

[mrcunny]

Breaking News: Manchester United have issued a statement to confirm they will NOT be postponing their home game against Wigan on Boxing Day, despite the proposed tube strike that day in London!

 

[mammutly]

I was at my Christmas do last night and the DJ played The Twist so I twisted, he played The Jump so I jumped. After Come on Eileen, I was asked to leave.

Nice :)

 

[gaudinho's stolen car]

I met a bird before who washes her minge with bleach. Flash ****.

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

5 things NOT to say in a gay bar

Well fuck me.
Bottoms up.
can i bum a fag.
Toss ya for the next round.
Can somebody push my stool in please

 

[gaudinho's stolen car]

I took my girlfriend to meet my parents the other day. My Dad leaned over and whispered to me "What the hell are you doing with a bow legged, one armed, no toothed, cross-eyed, bald girlfriend?" I said "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf".

 

[Oohvonkyvonky]

I felt shit this morning.

That's the last time I use Tesco value toilet roll

 

[Burnage Burnsy]

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender 'Has my brother been in'.

The bar tender replies 'I dunno, what does he look like?'

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When I was younger my dad worked on the roadworks. I was convinced he was stealing from work, but couldn't prove it. But when I got home all the signs were there.

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A moth went to the doctors and the doctor says ' yes Mr moth, how can I help you?' You can't' said the moth - 'I feel fine.' The doc says 'well why have you come to the doctors?'. The light was on' replied the moth.

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I was once obsessed with stealing meat. I was once going to Morrisons and saw the juiciest sirloins on the top shelf. I was going to nick them but the steaks were too high.

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What's E.T. short for? He has got little legs.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

I'm in the doghouse. The Mrs said, ''If you turn the lamp off I'll take it up the arse.''
Maybe I should have waited until the bulb cooled down a bit.