Joke thread

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

I was playing chess with my mate and I said, "Let's make this interesting". So we stopped playing chess.

My mate drowned so we all chipped in for a wreath for the funeral in the shape of a life jacket. It's what he would have wanted.

Similies. What are they like?
 
Dear Santa, For Christmas I'd like a big fat bank account and a lovely slim girlfriend.

PLEASE don't mix them up like you did last year
 
After landing myself in jail....I spent the first 4 hours getting relentlessly bummed.


.......i think my dad takes monopoly far too seriously!!!



What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas ?

Their heads.






Got the bus into town yesterday to do some Christmas shopping with my daughter.
Much to my delight a few of her friends were on the bus too, so I was having great fun mucking around and embarrassing her in front of her mates, like any dad would do.
"Dad," she hissed, finally, "Please sit down ......

.........and put your cock away!"
 
I got into a lot of fights when I was a kid. I had that Attention Deficiency Disorder... so I didn't finish most of them.

The world is a dangerous place. Only yesterday I walked into Argos and punched somebody in the face.

I was made to walk the plank when I was a kid. We couldn't afford a dog.

I'm dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
 
There was no way I was gonna go hungry this Christmas. So I went to Tesco and nicked a turkey. The security guard saw me and ran after me shouting; "Oi! what you doing with that"!?I shouted back "Potatoes, peas, carrots & gravy you twat"!
 
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