Joke thread

came home the other night and my wife said angrily "your pissed"so I said "no im not"she replied can you tell the time then" so I walked over to the cuckoo clock and said "im not pissed"
 
was in an indian the other day and the waiter came over and said curry ok.i said sorry mate I cant sing
 
This is to commemorate (right word?) the censorship.

I was delivering beer to a pub when the landlord said "I only want 2 kegs today you ****!" So I gave it to him, both barrels!

What do we want!?...
A CURE FOR TOURETTES!...
When do we want it!?...
****!...
 
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.
 
My son accidentally chopped my fingers off with a hedge trimmer. My own flesh and blood!

My accountant has been hounding me for a record of my wages. Eventually though I gave him the slip.

The council wanted room to build so I worked through the whole night moving a cemetary 200yrds north. Graveyard shift it was.
 
I hated my old job as a Blacksmith, I always had an axe to grind.

A yank offered me a choice. A dollar or a bible, if I skinned a rabbit for him. I passed the bucks.

My tedious mate said "I wish I had a bigger nob mate, I really do. There's no bulge to see in my jeans. Look. It'd do wonders for my confidence, a bigger bulge that is. Mate? What do you think? Is there anything I can do?"
I said "For fuck's sake, put a sock in it will you."

I grew up on a farm and one day a calf got away. My brother said. "You dress up as a Billie and get in the pen, so father doesn't batter us." Well I'm no fool, I won't be an escaped goat for anybody.
 
Felt I had to clear the air with my boss last week, he suffocated to death.

My nan shouted from downstairs "Help me! help me! I've fallen of my chair Dave!" My name is Steve, she's off her fucking rocker that woman.

I was playing a coin game with a mate. Heads he wins, tails I lose. I lost 36 times in a row! But I didn't want to argue the toss.

I was doing some digging, when my twat of a mate said, "Is that a shovel?" Now, I call a spade a spade, so I said "Fuck off you twat." - i'm not sure where the punchline is on that, or even if it has one...

This is what happens when i'm off work.
 
my mate was admiring my car the other day,i said its a great car but not very practical as we have just had a baby,so he said why don't I buy it off you for 5 grand,do you know I said youd make a great dad
 
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