Joke thread

[bennyblue]

I am not saying I was ugly as a baby, but every time my mother showed someone a picture of mine, they said,

"nice frame."



Pop stars, TV personalities and now MPs guilty of bum fiddling no wonder us children of the 70/80s bang on about playing outside all day.........

who the fuck would have wanted to go indoors

 

[TangerineSteve17]

You know people with guns who say "Give me your money." You've gotta hand it to them haven't you.

I bet my mate £10 that I could beat him in a 100 meter race. I didn't win, but I gave him a run for his money.

My best mate is a pigeon. He's constantly sticking his neck out for me.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My poor pet possum lay there dead for a week before I realized. I thought he was just playing.

Pablo Zabaleta hit me in the face with a canoe paddle. I was absolutely oar struck.

Didn't want to my wife find out that I had won on the horses, the dogs and the lottery, so I shoved all the winnings into the privets. Well you gotta hedge your bets.

That Robocop has a bit of sharp tongue hasn't he. Shoots from the hip that fella.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I was at an orchestra when the conductor said "The tuba player is sick, can anybody here play the tuba!?"
I said "Excuse me! I am, without doubt, the single greatest brass musician in existence. Nobody even comes close to my skills and talent. I could play it 10 times better than the guy who is sick.
He said "Wow! brilliant sir! So you'll do it?"
I said "No. I only blow my own trumpet."

It's times like this when I'm sat in bed, with the computer on my knee, that i wish I'd bought a laptop.

Bought a new rug yesterday, you can't beat a new rug. Well you can, but what's the point?

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My wife's into role reversal. She puts the ham on the outside.

I actually ended up marrying the woman who pulled me out of my mum's vagina. It was love at first sight.

You don't wanna mess with me. I've got a mate who's a roofer, a mate who's a pilot, and a mate who's an astronaut. Got friends in high places I have.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I felt depressed last night, so I opened my bedroom window and climbed up onto the sill. It was a long way down. I thought one slip here and it's curtains for me, and if I fall the other way I'm gonna die.

I've hit a stumbling block in my relationship. I tripped over a rubix cube trying to give the wife a hug.

I was rummaging through the bins as usual when suddenly I found a little kitten. It was the pick of the litter.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I sneaked up on the man who played Rocky and Rambo and punched him in the back of the head. It was a sly dig.

My wife tells me I'm not half the man I used to be, which is a bit unfair, although I have lost a certain zest after having my legs amputated.

I was playing cricket and managed to score 236 runs before I got out.
My mate said "We're gonna win because of you! You'll have to play next time!"
I said "This is justa big inning."

 

[TangerineSteve17]

You need to kill yourself...with hot fire

You are a c**t with a capital unt

As a total optimist, I know your game sunshine. You don't really mean these insults, you're just bumping up the thread to make sure everyone reads these funny ass jokes. What a guy.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

We have to save the African lions, its a matter of pride. And the dolphins too, they're always getting abducted from school.

I saw that the caped crusader lost his mind and set fire to a priest. Holy smokes Batman.

Someone raked a curved knife down my stomach. I felt sickle little bit.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

Yesterday I had 3 bacon sarnies for breakfast, I ate 4 ham rolls and 2 pork pies for lunch, then I had gammon and sausages for tea. Pigged out all day I did.

I've suddenly decided i'm never going to eat a hot christmas dinner ever again. I'm going cold turkey.

Just got back from the doctors. He said I'm gonna die soon unless I stop putting oxo cubes in my bath. I think you only live once, so I've got one foot in the gravy already.