Joke thread

Private eye--

Issue 1514

“I thought I would chance my arm and it came off”
BEN STOKES
Sky Sports

“It’s forced Norwich to keep their pedal on the gas”
EILIDH BARBOUR
BBC1

“They can walk out of here with their chests held high”
JERMAINE JENAS
BBC1

“You can hear from his interview that he’s visibly upset”
JON DALY
BBC Radio Scotland
 
Old (George Burns?) Joke-
Moshe to God "Please Lord, every week I pray and yet I never win the lottery"
God relies "Moshe, I hear you, but meet me halfway, buy a ticket"
 
Vicar playing a round of golf with a local farmer. Farmer's having a ad round.
Farmer misses a 3-foot putt and curses, "For God's sake,missed again". Vicar say "Please do not take the Lord's name in vain".
Farmer then misses a 2-foot putt and curses, "Jesus wept, missed again. Vicar warns him "Do not blaspheme our Lord's name".
Farmer misses a 1-foot putt and curses " God almighty, missed again". Vicar "I did warn you!"
The sky darkens, there's an almighty roar and a bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky.
The vicar drops down dead and a voice from the heavens curses,"Fuck me, missed again".
 
A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband
“Darling I have something to confess,I want to be open and honest in our marriage so want to keep no secrets”
“You can tell me anything sweetheart,I’ll not judge you on your past”

“Ok,Ive spent many years as a hooker”

“ to be honest Francesca that’s a bit of a shock but I find it quite erotic,tell me about it”

“ well my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan”
 
Paulpowersleftfoot said:
A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband
“Darling I have something to confess,I want to be open and honest in our marriage so want to keep no secrets”
“You can tell me anything sweetheart,I’ll not judge you on your past”

“Ok,Ive spent many years as a hooker”

“ to be honest Francesca that’s a bit of a shock but I find it quite erotic,tell me about it”

“ well my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan”
Click to expand...

Props to her for been so honest.
 
Big Swifty said:
What''s the difference between a war-horse and a dray-horse?
One darts into the fray....

What's the difference between a toddler and the manager of a girl band?
One sucks his finger....

What's the difference between a nun and a woman having a bath?
One's got hope in her soul....

What's the difference between a cross-eyed sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit.....

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and Victoria Beckham?
One's a phoney buck.....

What's the difference between Lord Rosebery and Group-Captain Peter Townsend?
One gave the Royal Hunt Cup (if you are too young, ask your granddad, or Oakie or Dave Ewing's Back 'Eader to explain it)

That's it. I'm fed up typing "What's the difference..."
Click to expand...

What's the difference between a man who is the sole survivor of a fatal crash and a man with a 14-inch cock ?

One ducks his fate.
 
I was a sickly child, and was fed on supplements. I nearly choked on the Sunday Times

We couldn't afford medicine, so when I got a chill I was smeared with goose fat to keep me warm. i went downhill pretty quickly after that.

I remember when I had an accident and broke six legs. I fell downstairs carrying the dog,

I lost a fortune on a night out at the dogs, when I saw a runner with the same name as my missus, so I put all my money on it. It came in last. Serves me right for marrying a woman called Ballyreagan Bob.

My granddad was unlucky, too. He fell off a ship in the Atlantic, but was picked up......by the Titanic

We were too poor to afford cheese, so when we had mice I set the trap with a photo of a piece of mature Cheddar. I heard the trap go off, and there in the trap was a photo of a mouse

We couldn't afford coal, so when it got chilly my dad sucked a Fisherman's Friend tablet and we all sat round his tongue.
 
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