Joke thread

Grassland Blue said:
T.C. told it several times, slightly different to yours but it always made me smile, daft as it is.
This is how he told it;
"A man walks into a bar.
BOOF!
It was an iron bar!"
With appropriate staggering and stunned look.
Tommy Cooper R.I.P.
Click to expand...
I went to the doctor and said it hurts when I do this.
Well don't do it then,

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost two days already.
As you say Tommy Cooper RIP.
 
Just seen a mate of mine who's a plumber in the fruit and veg section at Tescos
He told me he was looking for leaks
 
A Liverpool fan dies and goes to heaven in his Liverpool shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Jesus.

“Hello son.” says Jesus, “I’m sorry, no Liverpool fans in heaven.”

“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.

“You heard, no Liverpool fans.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man, replies the Norwegiancunt

“Oh really”, says Jesus. “What have you done then?”

“Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”

“Oh” says Jesus. “anything else?”

“Well two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”

“Hmmm. Anything else?”

“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay”, said Jesus, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”

Ten minutes pass before Jesus returns. He looks the guy in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here’s your thirty quid back, now fuck off!”
 
aguero93:20 said:
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He is funny that guy.....
 
A coachload of Scousers crashes over a cliff and the dippers go to heaven. Outside the pearly gates St. Peter greets them and says we're not letting you lot in, but they beg for a chance so Peter goes off to consult God. He's away for a while as they debate the issue until God says ok let them in for a few days and we'll see how they do. St. Peter goes back to report God's decision, then immediately rushes back to the boss saying "Lord, Lord, they've gone!" "Who?", says God, "the Scousers?"" "No" says Peter, "the fuckin' gates."
 
A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
 
BackofJeanette said:
A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
Click to expand...
Please ban yourself from the forum for a month
 
BackofJeanette said:
A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
Click to expand...
Aaaaaargh.
 
BackofJeanette said:
A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
Click to expand...
@Moderating Team
 
Fella on holiday with the kids and decides they should skip the rides for a day and takes the kids to an animal park.

When they get there, he pays a decent wad for the whole family to get in and the kids run in, all excited.

The first few enclosures look empty, but it’s hot in Florida this time of the year, so he thinks they must be having a nap inside where it’s cool, so the6 keep walking. After walking all the way to the back end of the place, the only thing they have seen in the whole place is a little dog that goes by yapping and wagging its tail. They stumble on a worker and the Dad says, “Hey mate, we’ve been here half an hour and not found a single thing in the enclosures! In fact the only thing we have seen is a fucking little dog wandering about!”

Without missing a beat, the worker says, “Yep, mate, it’s a Shih Tzu!”

(As told to me by a TSA agent in Orlando)
 
Guy walks up to a bird at the bar, can I buy you a drink love.

No thanks she replies

Not taking no for an answer he says I find you very attractive can I buy you a drink please.

Again she declines his offer

Look love he says I’m buying you a drink weather you like it or not

Listen says the lady I’m a lesbian

What do you mean he replies

See that girl over there with the short skirt and big tits hanging out of her top i want to throw her on the pool table push her thong to one side and lick her pussy out.

Fucking hell says the man
I must be a lesbian as well
 
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